I'm super tired at the moment and my thoughts are going up and down on the rollercoaster of my mind.
Also one problem is that I don't know where to start, since some of the stuff has nothing to do with the uh, other stuff. (wow, I'm so verbally talented that I might swoon)
If I'll start from last night. I was up and hungry, so I decided to make some food. And I always try to keep volume down the best I can. And it was like between 0:30-1:00 am, I was making some fried eggs. And then Marko (mom's guy) comes from their room and is like "What are you doing?" I'm like "uh... ... making food.. ?" "You know people are trying to sleep here." "yeah well, uh ... I don't have volume button on the stove, if I could be more silent I would be. It won't last long" I was annoyed at that point. It takes, what less than 10 mins to cook fried egg and it gets on his nerves.
I was polite, when I really wanted to yell at his face
"Sorry last time I checked there's no volume button on stove, and if it annoys you so fucking much why don't you take your stuff and go to sleep in your own fucking house, I bet there's no sound at all. I'm not complaining about all the annoying thing you do!"
Because since mom met this guy, last years December. they clicked instantly and like within a week the dude's pretty much living in our place. And if he cannot handle my nightly noises, which I try to always keep down, then go to your own fucking house! So annoyed. But he's cool & on my Top 5 of all the guys mom has dated.
So after I had calmed my feeling with good food and had been quiet for a while, I went to watch Friends for the rest of the night. I've been watching like almost two seasons in three days now (3rd & 4th)...
And in the morning my bad luck continued. Oh and if it's not obvious, I stayed whole night up. Mom got up and was watching news and then she looked me, the way I can notice from far away. It's NEVER good look. It's one of those "You should do *this and this* to your life and be an responsible adult :|" ...
Well it started liked this;
"Did you clean the cats litter box?" "Yeah, I did. .... Oh! And the litter ran out." After that it escalated pretty quickly to the areas I dislike to discuss about.
"You should really get a job" "*sigh* ... well yeah I know!" "Because we don't have any money, and you should get job so you'll get money and then start buying things" At that point I stopped her, I was feeling furious "So I'll be paying like a RENT?!" "No no no... *slowly shaking head* I mean like thing for the cats: litter, food, I can't provide us all.. " "No! It IS, because why don't you just set an amount of money that I must pay every month so you can buy things for our family! *huh!?*" "Well that'll work" Then she just stood up and left me there, I was so fucking furious and annoyed and IDK!!!!!! That I could've just punch her stupid face and told her that when I get job, I WILL also get an apartment so she'll don't have to see my sorry ass face anymore in HER house. (Great now I'm furious again, just by thinking that.)
It REALLY hurts when mom brings up things like that. It's like more pressure to me so now it's not just mom's task but also mine to provide this family. So uuuhhh... great.
I know she also means good when she's telling me to get job and finish my drivers license and all other bunch of stuff, but it feels so shitty and I get freaking super anxiety from that that I just wanna curl into a ball and disappear from the freaking planet and idk... ... I just can't. Because I feel like I'm the biggest loser of the century. It's hard to be the first/oldest kid of 'near family', everyone's expecting me to be a fucking living miracle. ....
Awesome and now I feel depressed and... ... just .. fuck this.
Thank god I had therapy today. I was able to talk stuff again.
Great now I managed to get on a happy mood again n__n Yes! (see, this is my basic emotional rollercoaster of the day)
Well yeah, those things sucked. But I had good things in my day as well! Like I said I went to therapy.
And at morning I managed to almost do a tote bag (... much bigger than I originally planned), that I've been planning to do for months now. I sewed it almost to the end. I still need to sew the handles on their correct places. So after I'm done that I can take a pic for you guys, and maybe tell a bit more.
And I bought today more of those ProFell products I told you guys about in my training -post. I uh.. Been kind of able to hang on my goals so far. Only thing that I'm not able to (yet) control is my eating. I JUST LOVE TO EAT, okay? .... Well when I get enough motivated I can start controlling it.
But yeah, the Profeel stuff.. The Coffee flavoured milk based protein drink was one of the most terrible things that I have willingly drank. I'm so happy I only had one! But the quarc-cottage cheese thingies were really tasty! And now I have rest of the products to test (quarc and yoghurt) . And I also bought some Gouda -cheese, it's one of my fave cheese's and it's not that unhealthy, and it has also good proteins, and of course calcium! (I don't get enough calcium on my daily basis) And then I craved for some good fruits, so for a change I took some pomelo's, I like them more than grape's and other citrus fruits. Since it's sweeter than grape so it doesn't need that extra layer or sugar when I eat it!
I'm also proud that I really wanted to buy like candies (especially I'm having feels for chocolate atm), nor anything sweet! Well I did buy vanilla sugar (for baking ofc, DAA!)
And then when I got home I made Vanilla pudding (Or I think it was a bit like between pudding & kissel) .. I've craved for that for weeks now! I was annoying (but easy) to make, and when they had finally cooled down and I was able to eat them, it wasn't good. I took lie maybe few teaspoonfuls of it and that's it. And I let mom & my lil sis eat the rest, they liked it.
I'm gonna try to make a new batch tomorrow... ... if it's any better.
I'm going insane with my cravings for different foods, but I try my best to ignore them, or eat something healthier instead. I still eat too much (in my opinion).
Uh, other good thing today. It made me feel really good and proud of myself and I felt that I've finally done at least something for my life! Moved one step further, ors... idk.
Well I called to this one lady whom I was agreed that I'll give call today, and make plans for her Partylite evening. And she seemed really nice and she has had these partied before and well it just made me feel really productive that I was finally able to find a person whom likes to have a Partylite evening.
And then I made plans with my mom that when she's having her parties.
I'm pretty exited (in good and bad!) to have these parties to host once again! I need to just get my self updated on what's going on :'D It's been probably almost a year since I last had party to host. (Well really I'm not the host, I'm uh... the presenter of the pretty things)
Oh... I just realized I have probably never mentioned in here that I'm Partylite consultant, I've been almost 2 years. I waited for years to get in age of 18, so I can become consult. Before that my mom was, but she don't do that anymore.
Now I can see you wonder what is this 'Partylite' I'm talking about. Well long story short; If you know the concept of Tupperware -parties, same thing, but instead of Tupperware stuff I have Partylite stuff, which is Candles, And decorations. I personally love this stuff, but it's pretty expensive |D So when I'm consult I have perks!
If you're interested, take a look at here, or ask more from me :)
(well wasn't that a nice salesman speak, oops)
ummmhh.. what else what else...
OH! I've (again) fallen in love with instrumental music! I just AH.. My ears melt of while I listen all this gorgeous music, my latest playlist here. I'm especially in love with Lindsey's music. So pretty...
And I've been listening a lot of Poets Of The Falls, I've been their fan for years! And been in 3-5 of their gigs, I would've go to one that's in two weeks really near to me, but since I'm so freaking young I can't get there (I cursed a lot and yelled when I found out that instead of the normal 18, it was 22!!).. So uh, I have to wait till December so I can get to the other gig (it's in Helsinki.) .. I was at the same gig last year :'D
And still back to the job -subject. I've been thinking now really seriously to actually go and apply into Finnkino (movie theater chain) and/or into Makuuni (video rental chain)... I've listed pro's and con's in my head for both places XD .... I'll keep you posted if I manage to do something, or if I just chicken out.
Okay, lastly. Tinker has found a new 'hot spot' where to sit when she's not sleeping, eating or being out of Einari's reach. She think it's funny to sit on top of my Thor! Even when I'm leaning to him, she goes and sit's on top of his head! #ThisIsNotAcceptable
~Cakey
I'm sorry, too lazy to get my text any 'highlights' ors. AND I still need movie for next Monday :)
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