Just one drink.

So you guys are getting TWO posts in reeeally short time.
To be honest I've been planning to write about this subject SO many times. But I'm really ashamed to actually open it to public, or to anyone.
But I just have to get it out of my system. That's how I deal with my thoughts.

So yeah, this post pretty much is only about alcohol and drinking.

For me, it's quite complicated. I have these phases that I consume so much alcohol that it hurts, and then I can be without a drop for very long time. And right now I have bad feeling that I'm getting started to consume more and more.

At this point before 'really' starting for those who are not from Finland,in here you can drink at age of 18, and get 'strong' booze (21%) at age 21. And we can get drivers licence at age of 18 as well.

How about we begin from the beginning?

I have been raised with "You can taste everything, but drugs" -method. And I remember that I have been 'tasting' from my moms drinks from really early ages. And at this point tasting means really tiny sip.
So I never had to like hide or be ashamed to ask anything related to it.

And first 'real' experiments with alcohol was in junior high school. I think I was somewhere between 12-13. So I was young. And my liver has never been really healthy, because of my medication on my childhood.
And the first experiments were of course with my best friend Nelly. We stole few ciders from our moms and like that and drank them when nobody was around.
And well since we were that young, you can guess that we got pretty drunk from one or two ciders.

We also stole some of the strong ones from liquor cabinet and mixed them onto soda. And filled the bottles with water so that the folks didn't notice. And every time either of our moms were away and we had house empty we partied together.

Also it was pretty easy to get booze from older friends, or from friends older siblings. Or just asked from random persons if they would buy booze for us.
And now that I start to think, my first REAL drunk moment was this firework event that Finland has every year. And I had six pack of pineapple cider. And I only drank like 3. And was totally wasted, well in my opinion.

One good thing I have to say, I have rarely hangover. Even if I have drank like really much. But like those times I can count with fingers!

I think we were first ones from our 'friend circle/group' to get drunk and do stupid stuff. But it was fun, we had so much fun and I would take that time back anytime!

Later on during Junior High our friends started to drink too, and I started smoking as well.
By that time my mom had scolded me so many times about drinking that she didn't care, or well was too tired to scold me. As she put it "don't do it with those people who you don't know and ALWAYS take care of everybody who's with you!"... I mean she couldn't stop me, and when she found out that most of her booze was water she got mad and yelled me that if I'm gonna drink I have to buy my own booze and leave her booze alone.

I know that most of you might get a little weird and wrong image of my mom. But she was so cool, and most of my friends were partly jealous because of that. I mean they was drinking behind their parents back and it was like totally not allowed and my mom scoffed and gave bad look.
I mean she did try her everything, she grounded me and took my phone away and all that stuff. But they don't stop me doing what I want. I have always been "terrible kid" "toxic waste" and many other funny nicknames for me being disobedient and breaking every rule that I can,just to annoy everyone!

At this age me and my bestie started uh, experimenting our sexualities. And one point the drinking was just an excuse to make out. But all that was put on tab of being wasted and it didn't mean anything... yeah, right.
We both secretly loved each others,but c'mon we weren't gay. Or at least admitted it.
And later on I fell in love with this one girl on internet whom I rarely talked because I was afraid to get rejected. And that point I realized that I need to come out of the closet. But yeah I love boys too so, I have both options ;)
It took quite a long while from my bestie to admit she's (at least) bi. And still she tries to claim she's straight, and we're together.

Well then there were this one legendary pre-Christmas party. And nobody wont shut up about it, even thought it happened like what 3-5 years ago(??).
I got really really drunk. I drank bottle of Salty licorice liquor (it's about 15%, and bottle was 0,5 l) and couple of long drinks along with Pisang (It's green colored banana liquor, about 15% as well, almost drank whole bottle). And I kinda did most embarrassing thing I have EVER done so far.
I get quite needy and horny when I'm drunk and begged my friends to make out with me.
Then I kinda hit my good friends 'fresh' ex girlfriend (they had broke up like 2 days before that).
And just note, when I don't get with good, I take what I want. I wouldn't be surprised if some point of my life I'll be sued for sexual harassment.
And my best friend got so angry for her that she almost attacked her. Or so I heard next day.
So yeah I don't have almost any memories from that night, just tons of rumors and stories.
And that was the first time I threw up, because of alcohol. And I passed out.
Then I got my reputations of being a quite drinker.

And I don't get drunk easily, my immune for it has grown onto really high.

After that party I started to date with that girl who I kinda molested XD.... But just because she wanted. I did not love her, nor even liked her. I just agreed, and told her that this is one side relationship and she agreed. And I also quit drinking at that point and well we had on-off relationship. and during that I started to try drink again. Slowly but firmly, because I could taste the alcohol in cider and in everything and it made me want to puke. But then I gained my drinking ability back at one halloween party, but I didn't overdose with it for a long time.
So my girlfriend didn't like that I drank. And partly because of her I didn't.
But when we finally broke up for good. And it was on my 18th birthday. I had a total mental break-down and hey I could buy alcohol legally now. And I had gotten like A LOT of money so I drank and drank.
And I was like almost every weekend, sometimes during week as well at bar and I drank with at least 100-200€. I was mainly wasted every time I had chance.
And when I started driving school at spring and you need to take the basic medical test for it. I got so much points in the mental & alcohol test that I needed my own doctors statement that I wasn't alcoholic.
That's when my doctor and therapist actually found out that I had a serious drinking problem. I didn't believe them. I mean, yeah I was aware of my drinking habits. When I drink I drink a lot. But I'm not addicted to it, I can stop anytime, but I don't want to. I want to numb my feelings and get away.
Bad thing is that I get really emotional and I cut myself more likely when I'm drunk. But I told them that this is just a phase, a phase when I drink more than I should. And I can be without it for long time, I just need to stop. And I think that I stopped drinking during summer so I was wasted most of the spring.
I drank everyday at least two drinks, usually more and my one weeks "dose/portion" was around 20-40 (depends if I was at bar).. And it's clearly above the alcoholic rate.

Then came the 'normal' season. I drank rarely, but much at one time. And then I had dry season. I don't even remember when I was at bar last time.My and my (current) girlfriend have this one restaurant that we go and drink there about once a month at least. Depends how much money we have :'D. We're regulars there.
But I don't even feel like drinking anymore. And when I do drink it is still to numb my feelings, and still it ain't working.  So I started out as a happy drunk now I'm just sad and angsty drunk. And I'm ashamed to be what I have become. But I cannot change the past. And I lost quite many friends because of my drinking habits, and the rest I lost because of unknown reason.
I'm not sure if I should or not write this here, but it's still part of the subject. I just haven't talk about it with anyone yet.
My current drinking habits have changed a bit. My GF likes to drink, and usually when we see, we end up drinking. And she wants me to drink as well, but I don't really want to. Okay I DO want to have maybe 1 or 2 drinks, if there's something I like. But then after those I don't want to.But I keep drinking because she wants me to. I really should talk about this to her & to my therapist, but I can't for some reason.
I always think that "Today I'll talk about it", and then....nothing. I just can't :( .....
Fucking emotional locks. I'm slave of my habits. And change is hard.

So yeah that's my story from past ~6 years. I'm not even 20 yet and I've been alcoholic.

-note: Started to write this June 1st. And finished writing 3rd day.