Living in denial

I have lost count of how many times I have been already almost started to write about at least one of these subject. And now I'm finally doing it. Because it requires this shitty mood I'm in. So I'm giving a huge angst and rant warning. And I can't promise that this will make sense to all of ya.
As some of you guys probably know that I have been diagnosed to have depression and insomnia. And now finally it was officially diagnosed that I'm bipolar, I've know this for long myself.

I'll start with Crying, because that subject has haunted me since I started this blog.
For me there is nothing more harder thing to deal with. Crying is that one thing that I do not do. I forbid it, I'm not allowed to cry. It's weak and pathetic.
That's how I have felt about it as long as I can remember, and it means from age 4-5. But my rational side knows that it's okay to cry, everyone needs to cry. It's far away from being weak. But in this my emotional side takes control and forbids it.
Most horrible situation it is that if someone SEES me (or hears) crying.
I spent many years without shedding a tear. But then finally came the day when I broke. Can you even imagine how it feels when you have been locking all those tears for +10 years? Then there was a short phase when I cried myself sleep almost every night.
And when I started to get anxiety attacks they involved crying, along with other things. Then when it eased a bit, I literally couldn't cry. I wanted to, but I couldn't and I have no idea what happened. Because every time I felt tears getting in my eyes and feeling that hotness in my face (u know what I'm talking 'bout?) and when normally tears start to fall, I shed one tear and after that it felt like acid in my eyes, it was burning and smarting, so I couldn't actually cry. And there were no more tears left to shed. It was a fucking nightmare.
After those phases and when my anxiety attacks has clearly decreased, I'm back in denying and forbidding myself from crying.
But I have need to cry once in a while. And then I watch some movie that gets me 100% weep and cry my eyes out. Also this has changed from past.
I didn't cry at all for fictional characters, nor real ones what  so ever. Only time it's allowed to die is when someone really close to you dies. And even then I'm holding back all my feelings and tears and keep them inside.
For example, quite recently (during this year) I've faced death twice and lost my rat boys. Brighter side is that I still have one. And when the first one died, he died so suddenly and naturally. He had heart attack, and didn't suffer. I still haven't been able to cry nor mourn his death, I just somehow can't.
But my other rat made me go Niagara Falls. Since we had to take him to the vet and put him down, because his health went so crushing down and he couldn't just left him to suffer, and he was so old that recovering would've been unlikely. And uh... I was there the whole time. (Oh god I really can't write about this again.. ... so here I'll quote my self from my tumblr.)
   "Dastan was different, it really hurt me to see him suffer and struggle for the last days. And him lying on vets table, looking so small. My mom couldn’t even stay there when they gave him the anesthetics, it was too much for her. But I stayed , I couldn’t left my boy. I felt responsible to be there, for him. And then finally watching life fade away from him. His body still warm after his heart stopped beating. I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my face and my nose running." 
It was terrible, and I cried over him for few days. Even now thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
But my 'Crying habits' are still so far away from being okay. My current way is that I deny it and hold it back as long as possible and hope that it goes away, but I can't keep it in and I shed one or two tears that roll down on my cheek and that's it.
Sometimes I wish that I would be able to just cry my bad feelings out and deal like that, instead of doing all this.
Also when if and when I cry, it makes me feel even worse. And I get mad at myself for being such a pussy and weak, & that I had no reason to cry. And then I yell at myself in my head and try to harden up so I wont cry ever again. Because next time, and the only time I'm allowed to cry in when Einari dies. And I have cried that fact too many times already, it will kill me when his time comes. And most likely leads into suicide.

My head feels so fucking numb atm... I don't remember what were other quite related to the same subject things that I needed to write about. Well I'm gonna publish this and then add/edit them here when I remember.