I have lost count of how many times I have been already almost started to write about at least one of these subject. And now I'm finally doing it. Because it requires this shitty mood I'm in. So I'm giving a huge angst and rant warning. And I can't promise that this will make sense to all of ya.
As some of you guys probably know that I have been diagnosed to have depression and insomnia. And now finally it was officially diagnosed that I'm bipolar, I've know this for long myself.
I'll start with Crying, because that subject has haunted me since I started this blog.
For me there is nothing more harder thing to deal with. Crying is that one thing that I do not do. I forbid it, I'm not allowed to cry. It's weak and pathetic.
That's how I have felt about it as long as I can remember, and it means from age 4-5. But my rational side knows that it's okay to cry, everyone needs to cry. It's far away from being weak. But in this my emotional side takes control and forbids it.
Most horrible situation it is that if someone SEES me (or hears) crying.
I spent many years without shedding a tear. But then finally came the day when I broke. Can you even imagine how it feels when you have been locking all those tears for +10 years? Then there was a short phase when I cried myself sleep almost every night.
And when I started to get anxiety attacks they involved crying, along with other things. Then when it eased a bit, I literally couldn't cry. I wanted to, but I couldn't and I have no idea what happened. Because every time I felt tears getting in my eyes and feeling that hotness in my face (u know what I'm talking 'bout?) and when normally tears start to fall, I shed one tear and after that it felt like acid in my eyes, it was burning and smarting, so I couldn't actually cry. And there were no more tears left to shed. It was a fucking nightmare.
After those phases and when my anxiety attacks has clearly decreased, I'm back in denying and forbidding myself from crying.
But I have need to cry once in a while. And then I watch some movie that gets me 100% weep and cry my eyes out. Also this has changed from past.
I didn't cry at all for fictional characters, nor real ones what so ever. Only time it's allowed to die is when someone really close to you dies. And even then I'm holding back all my feelings and tears and keep them inside.
For example, quite recently (during this year) I've faced death twice and lost my rat boys. Brighter side is that I still have one. And when the first one died, he died so suddenly and naturally. He had heart attack, and didn't suffer. I still haven't been able to cry nor mourn his death, I just somehow can't.
But my other rat made me go Niagara Falls. Since we had to take him to the vet and put him down, because his health went so crushing down and he couldn't just left him to suffer, and he was so old that recovering would've been unlikely. And uh... I was there the whole time. (Oh god I really can't write about this again.. ... so here I'll quote my self from my tumblr.)
"Dastan was different, it really hurt me to see him suffer and struggle for the last days. And him lying on vets table, looking so small. My mom couldn’t even stay there when they gave him the anesthetics, it was too much for her. But I stayed , I couldn’t left my boy. I felt responsible to be there, for him. And then finally watching life fade away from him. His body still warm after his heart stopped beating. I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my face and my nose running."
It was terrible, and I cried over him for few days. Even now thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
But my 'Crying habits' are still so far away from being okay. My current way is that I deny it and hold it back as long as possible and hope that it goes away, but I can't keep it in and I shed one or two tears that roll down on my cheek and that's it.
Sometimes I wish that I would be able to just cry my bad feelings out and deal like that, instead of doing all this.
Also when if and when I cry, it makes me feel even worse. And I get mad at myself for being such a pussy and weak, & that I had no reason to cry. And then I yell at myself in my head and try to harden up so I wont cry ever again. Because next time, and the only time I'm allowed to cry in when Einari dies. And I have cried that fact too many times already, it will kill me when his time comes. And most likely leads into suicide.
My head feels so fucking numb atm... I don't remember what were other quite related to the same subject things that I needed to write about. Well I'm gonna publish this and then add/edit them here when I remember.
Showing posts with label Angst. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Angst. Show all posts
5.8.12
8.5.12
Cakey vs. The World
First I'll apologize that I haven't write... at all. About anything.
I haven't write about JIB in tumblr, yet. And my 'good' excuse is "I haven't have time to scan my photo ops'es and I haven't take photos of my moose that has 3 autographs on it" and I haven't write yet, because I don't have those pics. Good one, huh? Yeah, I've been also lazy. It's my half real reason as well.
But now I'm also having all other things that has been piling up. Like irl stuff & thoughts I wanna share here.
So now I'm at least writing something!! I will write about JIB in here as well, but it have to wait for some time for now.
I really don't know how to start this, I mean I had that, but I really can't use awkward transition for that to my 'new' subject. Well uh, some of you know that I'm really good when it comes to taking care of plants |DD ..
And uh I bought new plant yesterday. It's my third soleirolia (I hope that's its eng.name, lat; Soleirolia soleirolii). I generally dislike plants, but that's one of my favorites, and from time to time I try to keep one alive XD. I also have habit of naming my plants (and pretty much everything else as well) ans this particular one is called "Helmi" (It's finnish girls name, and means 'pearl') ...I also have always wanted to have decorative bird cage. And now I have one, and my lovely Helmi is there n_n. Here take a look!
Idk this post appears to have many things in it. Since I'm too lazy to save & publish this and starts new post. So I'll just have one long post.
Lately I've been really really depressed. I mean yeah, there's nothing really wrong. I had a blast in Rome and nothing bad has happened lately. But still I just feel so useless and sad. And I have terrible thoughts running free on my mind. I guess that's part of my 'eternal curse' I forbid myself to feel and lock all the emotions away. And once a year they roam free for no reason. And even the good things turn onto something bad. And I feel that I can't enjoy from anything. And now already writing and telling all this makes me feel bad, and I feel that I have shared too much and I feel that I'm ranting and no one really believes me, or is quietly responding in their heads 'Been there, done that' or 'She have no idea what's bad or depressed' and you know making it seem so little and yeah, we all have our personal Hell in us. and no one should compare it to theirs, it's never the same. And no you don't know when you same 'I know'... That's why I have tried to stop saying that to people and replace it with something better. But yeah my point is; I'm not in my best shape, I have depressed 'season'. And I don't want to talk about it. Because i don't want to seem ranting & desperate for attention. There.
I've been listening this song on non-stop for few days now:
Somehow in my head that makes awkward transition to much happier thoughts: People who are in some way attracted to me. &How I feel about it.
So first of all I want to state that I don't want to 'brag' or 'show of'' or anything like that. Since sometimes these sound so much like bragging and making your dick look huge (egoistic). But I'm really just telling my point of view. And for me I feel all this bit awkward. And I cannot 100% guarantee how the other part viewed this. But like I told: my view.
Occasionally I ran to these situations when I can clearly see that someone has crush on me. Or I just ran onto some nice conversation, and then they tell me that they have crush on me. (or they just compliments me.) For me this is really weird, and if I clearly see that someone has crush on me, I try not to bring it up. Even if they are hinting me and acting all 'crushy way' (u know, like how you act when you are with/talking to your crush). I just ignore it, cos I don't want our relationship go all wonky when they bring it up and I (most likely) wont respond to that. And I just can't believe someone really genuinely could like me. This is (I think) because I cannot see good things in me, and because I'm just a big jerk. (Even my friends admit that I'm asshole) And same goes with complimenting, I disagree with most of them. But I have learned just to thank politely and accept it...... on the outside, but in the inside I say 'yeah right'. And for me, when someone compliments me I think they are lying and making fun of me. And if I deny the compliment, usually you get "oh, yeah right. You just want me to compliment you more" So that's one of the reasons why I politely accept it. I really don't care if your compliment is true or not, because either way I don't buy it. Unless I agree. I have days when I look good and I'm the most selfish and egoistic person on planet that day, and if you compliment my looks that day I go "Yeah I know ;* ♥" With a selfish smirk! So yeah it depends of my mood and looks also.
I apparently got little carried away, since I was supposed to write that after this part. Well uh what ever.
As some of you might know, I'm not a girly girl. And I'm bisexual. And so far, I have turned few girls onto bi/gay. And I find if extremely funny. Or I'm 'the last drop'. And this happened last time just few nights back. I'm not really sure how I should feel, but I kinda feel proud. Is it wrong? Because in tumblr, I have my askbox open to all & anonymous option available. So this girl confessed to me that she has a 'first girl crush' on me, and I was her last drop and I... I'm not really sure how I was supposed to feel. Maybe confused and something? I wasn't.... at all! Now that I think, I feel that I took it on sort of "oh wow, again :----DDD" kinda way. And I think it's weird. But it made me smile and feel good for myself. And yes, it amused me.
And same night my independence day dance partner from middle school started to chat with me. I mean we never chat. And he tried to get me in this bar (which sucks, btw) with him. I mean he was already there and he was drunk and chatting with me in facebook. And he trier really long! And it ended in him apologizing , I'm not sure what. But he apologized and wanted to know if I forgive him. It was weird. But I was really amused, even thought I might should have been annoyed. Because he was being annoying for trying and begging. I have feeling that he _might_ have mild crush on me. Just mild one, that comes up when he's drunk.
I'm so not gonna start listing all these situations up. But yeah I'm surprised how many have had crush on me. Guys & girls.... And I'm evil and laugh at their face for being so dumb to fell for me. I should not do it. It's really mean.... But yeah, I think part of my denial for believing that is because most of my crushes have hated me or other way just rejected me. Mainly I just chicken out and shut my emotions, because you wont get hurt that way. and I feel like I've been hurt way too many times. I don't know have I been hurt more or have I left broken hearts behind me more, I would actually love to know that.
Fun fact: When I was in elementary school, like on last grades. I wanted to be 'man eater' ... =broke as many hearts as possible. And well in that point I was hetero. I have been so twisted for so long XD
But I have never really been person who can settle down. I'm uh like quicksilver, try to squeeze it and it will run away. But if you let it be free on your palm, it wont ran. I can settle down if I want, from my own free will. But if you try to lock me down, you can be sure that I'mm take off! ;)
Woah that was looooong one. But hey, till next time! -Cakey
I haven't write about JIB in tumblr, yet. And my 'good' excuse is "I haven't have time to scan my photo ops'es and I haven't take photos of my moose that has 3 autographs on it" and I haven't write yet, because I don't have those pics. Good one, huh? Yeah, I've been also lazy. It's my half real reason as well.
But now I'm also having all other things that has been piling up. Like irl stuff & thoughts I wanna share here.
So now I'm at least writing something!! I will write about JIB in here as well, but it have to wait for some time for now.
I really don't know how to start this, I mean I had that, but I really can't use awkward transition for that to my 'new' subject. Well uh, some of you know that I'm really good when it comes to taking care of plants |DD ..
And uh I bought new plant yesterday. It's my third soleirolia (I hope that's its eng.name, lat; Soleirolia soleirolii). I generally dislike plants, but that's one of my favorites, and from time to time I try to keep one alive XD. I also have habit of naming my plants (and pretty much everything else as well) ans this particular one is called "Helmi" (It's finnish girls name, and means 'pearl') ...I also have always wanted to have decorative bird cage. And now I have one, and my lovely Helmi is there n_n. Here take a look!
Isn't she cute ♥! But yes, so if someone didn't really caught my sarcasm in the starts when I told that I'm real greenthumb, which I'm so not! I have killed so many plants that I can't even keep up with the count. So I'm challenging myself to keep this beauty alive for longer than week! Or for month, but I'm not trying to make high hopes. So week is good. My last soleirolia died within a month. Poor Paavo :( BUT! I'm partly blaming my evil cactus Akseli! Seriously, that cactus was mean and evil and twisted!! fyi he's dead.
But, I'm really proud of myself that I have kept two of my plants alive for pretty long time now, I think they are coming close to one year. And they are growing new parts, but my cat Einari is sabotaging it! He sometimes eat them, or just sits close enough so they bend and snap ;( ...
Here, meet Alex (on front) & Alec (behind) :
So that's about my plants. Thumbs up so Helmi will survive! I'll be updating here if she happens to die. Also it's always so sad how my friends react when I mention that I have bought new plants. "KAKE, REALLY!? Whyyyy????? Those poor plants haven't done anything so terribly wrong that they deserve to live with you! *deep sigh*"
Idk this post appears to have many things in it. Since I'm too lazy to save & publish this and starts new post. So I'll just have one long post.
Lately I've been really really depressed. I mean yeah, there's nothing really wrong. I had a blast in Rome and nothing bad has happened lately. But still I just feel so useless and sad. And I have terrible thoughts running free on my mind. I guess that's part of my 'eternal curse' I forbid myself to feel and lock all the emotions away. And once a year they roam free for no reason. And even the good things turn onto something bad. And I feel that I can't enjoy from anything. And now already writing and telling all this makes me feel bad, and I feel that I have shared too much and I feel that I'm ranting and no one really believes me, or is quietly responding in their heads 'Been there, done that' or 'She have no idea what's bad or depressed' and you know making it seem so little and yeah, we all have our personal Hell in us. and no one should compare it to theirs, it's never the same. And no you don't know when you same 'I know'... That's why I have tried to stop saying that to people and replace it with something better. But yeah my point is; I'm not in my best shape, I have depressed 'season'. And I don't want to talk about it. Because i don't want to seem ranting & desperate for attention. There.
I've been listening this song on non-stop for few days now:
Somehow in my head that makes awkward transition to much happier thoughts: People who are in some way attracted to me. &How I feel about it.
So first of all I want to state that I don't want to 'brag' or 'show of'' or anything like that. Since sometimes these sound so much like bragging and making your dick look huge (egoistic). But I'm really just telling my point of view. And for me I feel all this bit awkward. And I cannot 100% guarantee how the other part viewed this. But like I told: my view.
Occasionally I ran to these situations when I can clearly see that someone has crush on me. Or I just ran onto some nice conversation, and then they tell me that they have crush on me. (or they just compliments me.) For me this is really weird, and if I clearly see that someone has crush on me, I try not to bring it up. Even if they are hinting me and acting all 'crushy way' (u know, like how you act when you are with/talking to your crush). I just ignore it, cos I don't want our relationship go all wonky when they bring it up and I (most likely) wont respond to that. And I just can't believe someone really genuinely could like me. This is (I think) because I cannot see good things in me, and because I'm just a big jerk. (Even my friends admit that I'm asshole) And same goes with complimenting, I disagree with most of them. But I have learned just to thank politely and accept it...... on the outside, but in the inside I say 'yeah right'. And for me, when someone compliments me I think they are lying and making fun of me. And if I deny the compliment, usually you get "oh, yeah right. You just want me to compliment you more" So that's one of the reasons why I politely accept it. I really don't care if your compliment is true or not, because either way I don't buy it. Unless I agree. I have days when I look good and I'm the most selfish and egoistic person on planet that day, and if you compliment my looks that day I go "Yeah I know ;* ♥" With a selfish smirk! So yeah it depends of my mood and looks also.
I apparently got little carried away, since I was supposed to write that after this part. Well uh what ever.
As some of you might know, I'm not a girly girl. And I'm bisexual. And so far, I have turned few girls onto bi/gay. And I find if extremely funny. Or I'm 'the last drop'. And this happened last time just few nights back. I'm not really sure how I should feel, but I kinda feel proud. Is it wrong? Because in tumblr, I have my askbox open to all & anonymous option available. So this girl confessed to me that she has a 'first girl crush' on me, and I was her last drop and I... I'm not really sure how I was supposed to feel. Maybe confused and something? I wasn't.... at all! Now that I think, I feel that I took it on sort of "oh wow, again :----DDD" kinda way. And I think it's weird. But it made me smile and feel good for myself. And yes, it amused me.
And same night my independence day dance partner from middle school started to chat with me. I mean we never chat. And he tried to get me in this bar (which sucks, btw) with him. I mean he was already there and he was drunk and chatting with me in facebook. And he trier really long! And it ended in him apologizing , I'm not sure what. But he apologized and wanted to know if I forgive him. It was weird. But I was really amused, even thought I might should have been annoyed. Because he was being annoying for trying and begging. I have feeling that he _might_ have mild crush on me. Just mild one, that comes up when he's drunk.
I'm so not gonna start listing all these situations up. But yeah I'm surprised how many have had crush on me. Guys & girls.... And I'm evil and laugh at their face for being so dumb to fell for me. I should not do it. It's really mean.... But yeah, I think part of my denial for believing that is because most of my crushes have hated me or other way just rejected me. Mainly I just chicken out and shut my emotions, because you wont get hurt that way. and I feel like I've been hurt way too many times. I don't know have I been hurt more or have I left broken hearts behind me more, I would actually love to know that.
Fun fact: When I was in elementary school, like on last grades. I wanted to be 'man eater' ... =broke as many hearts as possible. And well in that point I was hetero. I have been so twisted for so long XD
But I have never really been person who can settle down. I'm uh like quicksilver, try to squeeze it and it will run away. But if you let it be free on your palm, it wont ran. I can settle down if I want, from my own free will. But if you try to lock me down, you can be sure that I'mm take off! ;)
Woah that was looooong one. But hey, till next time! -Cakey
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