Sick of being sick

As you can probably guess from my title I've been, and still am sick. It's the only reason why I haven't been updating my blog. I'm completely drained from energy, but I feel responsible that I need to post at least something in here.

This started on last weeks Friday. Out of nowhere, boom! I got fever, and straight to 38-39° (Celsius, go and find your Fahrenheit converter yourself!) and that's a lot for me. I don't know like what's my normal body temperature is, but when I'm even like 36,8° I'm not feeling well.

  And also the coughing started, and next day it had gone worse and my slight cough was now terrible. And I started to cough (slime/)sputum out. And felt that there was a giant ball of mucus/slime stuck deep on my throat that makes breathing hard. 

  And of course all the wonderful joint and muscles pains gets extra painful.

So since my fever didn't drop, and my nights were hell to sleep (even with the power of painkillers). We decided to go to see doctor. Since I wasn't so thrilled to go and queue for hours on the public side, we reserved appointment on private site. Right on Monday.

  For those who don't know Finnish healthcare system is lil different. There's public side that's open to all and then there's Private side. But it costs much (well compared to public), but if you have insurance you can get part of your money back from there. (difference is like public~15€ and private~+70€) 

First I had thought that "Fuck No, I'm so not having another angina AGAIN!" (It would've been my 5th within a year) and of course I told the doctor my doubts and all that's been bugging my body etc. And he said that he really can't be sure. Since my lymph nodes aren't that swollen and my tonsils are looking ok. But he sent me to get tested in lab just to be sure.

  I assumed it was only (I think it's called) pharynx culture, you know when they took the long cotton swap thingie and swipe it on your throat and it feels like your gonna throw up, yes? But I soon found out that they also needed my blood. There's seriously nothing I hate more than blood tests. I'd rather take a pet spider than let people steal my blood. Usually they're taken from elbow pit/crook. I have good veins and they're easy to sting, but my elbow crooks are really sensitive. And it's always like "It's like a mosquito bite, it wont hurt long. Just a little sting :)" WELL FUCK NO! I can fucking feel the needle in my vein and the pressure when the blood goes in the tube! I'd rather take one mosquito bite. I've been told that it can be because my vein has a "V-shape" that it crosses soon after that so it can be more sensitive because of that.

But the lady who was taking it saw how totally inner panicing I was and asked if I preferred that we took the test from finger tip. My eyes widened and I was like "Really? You could take it from my finger, yeah. That would be so much better" It didn't hurt at all when she took the blood test. And when I panic of blood tests I'm barely breathing and uncontrollably shaking and firmly keeping my hands tied so no one can sting me with their evil needles.

  But yeah the doctor really couldn't do more than order me more painkillers and get me tested. 

So my mom was impatient and wanted a solution faster. We could see some of the results from computer like next day. And mom called the doctor, apparently the guy works in private only on Mondays and on public for rest of the week. Oh, my mom is also working on healthcare -industry so she knows usually and she knows what those tests means etc. 

   And my fever just didn't come down. It's really painful. It's either too hot or too cold and it's never a good position. And the coughing hurts and oh god now I'm sweating my ass off, so I'll toss the blanket away, But wait! Now it's too cold. So yeah. 

  So! Mom called to the guy and he said that why didn't we go to public? And that we need to get my fever down, because if it wont come down it's starting to make my organs feel too hot and the heat starts to damage them. And that when I've had ten days of fever she should call again or do smt. I really don't remember correctly what, but yeah.

And then mom told that I need to be taken new blood tests, but she can take them in here. But I need to go and get taken new pharynx culture. I really was at too bad shape to panic and resist mom at Friday morning when she took two tubes of blood out of me. and later that morning I went to hospital to get that test done.

Mom saw the results later that day on computer at her work and my inflammation rates were sky high (for normal ppl they're like less than 5 or 10, mine were 60), so something is wrong. But we still don't know the culture's result... We'll see them on Monday then.

So today's ninth day of me being sick. And mom is worried to sick. My fevers been everyday over 38°, witch isn't good. My every single muscle is aching. It even hurts to breathe. My lungs hurt. I'm tired of coughing, because every time I cough, my abs hurt so much that I feel them my stomach rips apart and my back snaps in pieces. There's tinnitus in my ears all of the time, the volume of it just changes.  My head aches. I feel like every breath I take is penetrating acid in my lungs. My skin feels like it's melting off and sticking to every surface that it touches. There's no power in my movements. I have lost my apetite. The fever is making me have terrible nightmares and they woke me up and I cannot sleep after that anymore. Then there's always oh so pleasure with arrhythmia.

  The only thing that I try to do is force myself to eat at least something everyday. But I drink a lot, well I probably sweat most of it off.

Mom said that it's probably already got into my lungs and it's most likely either pneumonia or bronchitis.

Einari has kept me company a lot. He needs attentions and since most of my, well all of my days I'm laying on sofa. He has come to see if I'm alive like every fifteen minutes and meows at my face and always needing scratching :'D Like now. He insisted to get in my lap even tou there's laptop and not much space. Well he's my 'little' black sunshine ♥

I'm sorry I haven't write my latest Movie Monday, I DID keep my Avengers -marathon, even thought I didn't feel like it, since I was so drained. But I did. I've also watched all the Scrubs I own, I need moar ;;--;;.

Sincerely yours, Cakey.

Oh, and ps. I'm going to doctor's on Monday. again. To see what's next. I hope I wont be hospitalized. 

Doom of Laziness

Again I'm procrastinating the writing. I have like tons of things I want to write, but instead I sit still and surf on other sites waiting that feeling to go away. I doesn't go away until I actually write.
One step of that is that I actually write the 'headline' (or subject, whatever) and if I'm planning to add pics, upload/take them. So I've done those already. And then comes the hardest part:
Actual writing, especially the start.
But when I do it the sneaky way like this; apologizing the fact I haven't write or telling I want to write I get the kick to start. Then comes new hard part:
Continuing to the main subject I had in my mind.
How can you jump from this to like shoes and fragrances? There's no way you can just smoothly to slide onto that subject.
But as you can see I just did it ;D

So yes! I was about to talk partly of shoes and fragrances. Kinda. I mean I'm gonna do perfectly independent own post for both of them at some point. But now I'm just slightly hoovering on top of those subjects.

Today when I was going to get mail, I was hoping there would be nice package for me, and there was.
I had ordered 4 pairs of fancy shoelaces and they arrived! But I only have one pair of shoes! XD
I mixed two of them and I'm kinda satisfied to them, but one of the laces did not satisfied my expectation!
Here are all three pics, first one from the net site where I ordered the laces. Then how they really looked like and last my shoes with new laces :)

You can maybe guess which ones are the non-look-a-like-enough??
Maybe. Well the zebra ones, I mean they look pretty neat and bright colored. I think they are too dark and Idk. There's something I can't put my finger on that annoys me little on them.
But yes, I'm not saying they are ugly and blergh. I'm just saying that they aren't so fancy that I expected.

Also you may notice that I love animal pattern! :'D
My fave pattern is leopard. And then comes tigers/zebras and then everything else. I think there ain't not a single animal pattern that I dislike.
And I have quite a lot of different kind of things with all kinds of animal patterns. I'm wearing leopard patterned socks atm! XD Oh and yeah I have turquoise colored leopard spots on my left instep! Gonna add some lime colored spots as well :)
And if I'm shopping/window shopping and there's something with animal patterns I instantly (usually) want them!
But I'm against real fur. And breeding/capturing/hunting animals for their furs (or bones, or anything!)... Well.. Now that we smoothly slid onto here I'm against all kind of animal abuse and abandoning animals. But I'm not against human abuse, I mean it's never awesome if child get beaten. But if thee's 2 articles one telling that someone threw dog from a bridge and other one that child got threw from a bridge. I get anger for the animal abuser. And in movies/series if animal gets killed it's the most horrible thing that could happen :( Now saying that someone might expect that I'm some kind of animal activist etc. But I'm not. That's just my opinion and if someone asks that's it. But I'm not like force feeding my 'believes' to anyone.


So back to the shoes! Today in the mail was also Miss Mix -magazine (It's not as sex filled like Cosmo, but it's not like teen -teen magazine either.) so  as I was just going trough it and eyeing it. I bumped into these shoes.
They are just pure awesomeness, with I don't even know!
I just can't stop laughing while watching them! C'mon IT HAS A TAIL!
I kinda want these, but I don't think I would be bold enough to actually wear these in public... And well they don't fit into my style.
But these shoes are just ridiculously adorable :'D
Also when I was searching that pic from net I bumped onto same shoes, but there's not tail, instead of that a leopard head as the peak (like where's that Adidas -mark is, there's head).

And these shoes made me think of Puma, and Puma has new set of fragrances. For men and women.
Yellow (w) and Green (m).
I had a chance to go and try these yesterday when I was at movies (that's located in mall). And I think both of them are actually good. Usually just either one is good. So it's kinda rare that they succeeded to make both good! I think I might get the Green. And good think about Puma's fragrances is that they are cheap! I mean they are closer to 20€ than 50€... 

But it's not on my priority list of buying new fragrance! My current number one that I need to buy is Dolce Gabbana's The One (for men). But that one is too expensive, so I have to wait till I find it cheaper. I love the fact that on ships & airports items are tax free so they are so much cheaper! And of course it depends of the country and their currency. Like I would get that fragrance so much cheaper on States than in Finland! 

I think that was pretty much it for this post. I also took nice photo of Einari when he was sleeping on my bed today earlier. Well he's still sleeping on my bed, but just changed his position & placement.

Cakey vs. The World

First I'll apologize that I haven't write... at all. About anything.
  I haven't write about JIB in tumblr, yet. And my 'good' excuse is "I haven't have time to scan my photo ops'es and I haven't take photos of my moose that has 3 autographs on it" and I haven't write yet, because I don't have those pics. Good one, huh? Yeah, I've been also lazy. It's my half real reason as well.
But now I'm also having all other things that has been piling up. Like irl stuff & thoughts I wanna share here.
  So now I'm at least writing something!! I will write about JIB in here as well, but it have to wait for some time for now.

I really don't know how to start this, I mean I had that, but I really can't use awkward transition for that to my 'new' subject. Well uh, some of you know that I'm really good when it comes to taking care of plants |DD ..
And uh I bought new plant yesterday. It's my third soleirolia (I hope that's its eng.name, lat; Soleirolia soleirolii). I generally dislike plants, but that's one of my favorites, and from time to time I try to keep one alive XD. I also have habit of naming my plants (and pretty much everything else as well) ans this particular one is called "Helmi"  (It's finnish girls name, and means 'pearl') ...I also have always wanted to have decorative bird cage. And now I have one, and my lovely Helmi is there n_n. Here take a look!

Isn't she cute ♥! But yes, so if someone didn't really caught my sarcasm in the starts when I told that I'm real greenthumb, which I'm so not! I have killed so many plants that I can't even keep up with the count. So I'm challenging myself to keep this beauty alive for longer than week! Or for month, but I'm not trying to make high hopes. So week is good. My last soleirolia died within a month. Poor Paavo :( BUT! I'm partly blaming my  evil cactus Akseli! Seriously, that cactus was mean and evil and twisted!! fyi he's dead. 

But, I'm really proud of myself that I have kept two of my plants alive for pretty long time now, I think they are coming close to one year. And they are growing new parts, but my cat Einari is sabotaging it! He sometimes eat them, or just sits close enough so they bend and snap ;( ... 

Here, meet Alex (on front) & Alec (behind) :

So that's about my plants. Thumbs up so Helmi will survive! I'll be updating here if she happens to die. Also it's always so sad how my friends react when I mention that I have bought new plants. "KAKE, REALLY!? Whyyyy????? Those poor plants haven't done anything so terribly wrong that they deserve to live with you! *deep sigh*"

Idk this post appears to have many things in it. Since I'm too lazy to save & publish this and starts new post. So I'll just have one long post.
    Lately I've been really really depressed. I mean yeah, there's nothing really wrong. I had a blast in Rome and nothing bad has happened lately. But still I just feel so useless and sad. And I have terrible thoughts running free on my mind. I guess that's part of my 'eternal curse' I forbid myself to feel and lock all the emotions away. And once a year they roam free for no reason. And even the good things turn onto something bad. And I feel that I can't enjoy from anything. And now already writing and telling all this makes me feel bad, and I feel that I have shared too much and I feel that I'm ranting and no one really believes me, or is quietly responding in their heads 'Been there, done that' or 'She have no idea what's bad or depressed' and you know making it seem so little and yeah, we all have our personal Hell in us. and no one should compare it to theirs, it's never the same. And no you don't know when you same 'I know'... That's why I have tried to stop saying that to people and replace it with something better. But yeah my point is; I'm not in my best shape, I have depressed 'season'. And I don't want to talk about it. Because i don't want to seem ranting & desperate for attention. There.
  I've been listening this song on non-stop for few days now:

Somehow in my head that makes awkward transition to much happier thoughts: People who are in some way attracted to me. &How I feel about it.
  So first of all I want to state that I don't want to 'brag' or 'show of'' or anything like that. Since sometimes these sound so much like bragging and making your dick look huge (egoistic). But I'm really just telling my point of view. And for me I feel all this bit awkward. And I cannot 100% guarantee how the other part viewed this. But like I told: my view.
  Occasionally I ran to these situations when I can clearly see that someone has crush on me. Or I just ran onto some nice conversation, and then they tell me that they have crush on me. (or they just compliments me.) For me this is really weird, and if I clearly see that someone has crush on me, I try not to bring it up. Even if they are hinting me and acting all 'crushy way' (u know, like how you act when you are with/talking to your crush). I just ignore it, cos I don't want our relationship go all wonky when they bring it up and I (most likely) wont respond to that. And I just can't believe someone really genuinely could like me. This is (I think) because I cannot see good things in me, and because I'm just a big jerk. (Even my friends admit that I'm asshole) And same goes with complimenting, I disagree with most of them. But I have learned just to thank politely and accept it...... on the outside, but in the inside I say 'yeah right'. And for me, when someone compliments me I think they are lying and making fun of me. And if I deny the compliment, usually you get "oh, yeah right. You just want me to compliment you more" So that's one of the reasons why I politely accept it. I really don't care if your compliment is true or not, because either way I don't buy it. Unless I agree. I have days when I look good and I'm the most selfish and egoistic person on planet that day, and if you compliment my looks that day I go "Yeah I know ;* ♥" With a selfish smirk! So yeah it depends of my mood and looks also.
  I apparently got little carried away, since I was supposed to write that after this part. Well uh what ever.
As some of you might know, I'm not a girly girl. And I'm bisexual. And so far, I have turned few girls onto bi/gay. And I find if extremely funny. Or I'm 'the last drop'. And this happened last time just few nights back. I'm not really sure how I should feel, but I kinda feel proud. Is it wrong? Because in tumblr, I have my askbox open to all & anonymous option available. So this girl confessed to me that she has a 'first girl crush' on me, and I was her last drop and I... I'm not really sure how I was supposed to feel. Maybe confused and something? I wasn't.... at all! Now that I think, I feel that I took it on sort of "oh wow, again :----DDD" kinda way. And I think it's weird. But it made me smile and feel good for myself. And yes, it amused me.
  And same night my independence day dance partner from middle school started to chat with me. I mean we never chat. And he tried to get me in this bar (which sucks, btw) with him. I mean he was already there and he was drunk and chatting with me in facebook. And he trier really long! And it ended in him apologizing , I'm not sure what. But he apologized and wanted to know if I forgive him. It was weird. But I was really amused, even thought I might should have been annoyed. Because he was being annoying for trying and begging. I have feeling that he _might_ have mild crush on me. Just mild one, that comes up when he's drunk.
  I'm so not gonna start listing all these situations up. But yeah I'm surprised how many have had crush on me. Guys & girls.... And I'm evil and laugh at their face for being so dumb to fell for me. I should not do it. It's really mean.... But yeah, I think part of my denial for believing that is because most of my crushes have hated me or other way just rejected me. Mainly I just chicken out and shut my emotions, because you wont get hurt that way. and I feel like I've been hurt way too many times. I don't know have I been hurt more or have I left broken hearts behind me more, I would actually love to know that.
  Fun fact: When I was in elementary school, like on last grades. I wanted to be 'man eater' ... =broke as many hearts as possible. And well in that point I was hetero. I have been so twisted for so long XD
But I have never really been person who can settle down. I'm uh like quicksilver, try to squeeze it and it will run away. But if you let it be free on your palm, it wont ran. I can settle down if I want, from my own free will. But if you try to lock me down, you can be sure that I'mm take off! ;)

Woah that was looooong one. But hey, till next time! -Cakey

I'll do it tomorrow

Yeah. Heard you say that way too often? I do.
Like this post, I really wanted to write it yesterday, but pushed it to today. And now I wanna push it to tomorrow. This is exactly how my blogs always die
"I'll write it tomorrow." And my excuse for it either 'I'm too tired' or 'I didn't have subject' etc. But I have to say that I WAS really tired yesterday (and now also) and I've been sick for few days already. Yesterday also there was this movie coming from tv that I didn't want to miss, since I hadn't seen it in ages!
Also one thing I've been pushing on 'tomorrow' is editing my videos, and sending/calling to this travelling agency so I can change my flight tickets. But I really really have to do that, because if I don't I'm fucking screwed soon! D:
I have to admit, that when I do these things that I want to push on to later I feel good for my self, for doing them. And then I don't have to stress about it anymore after that. I'm getting a little satisfaction from this already. And I haven't wrote that much yet! I really enjoy writing long posts, since I'm easily starting to blabber about everything unrelated to the real thing! Well my blog!

I have way too much to say and way too messy thoughts. I think many things on same time and usually when I'm doing something or get a thought that I could write up I end up talking to my self in 'writing form' as in my thoughts would automatically transfer onto computer and into my blog in that form. It's kinda funny, but frustrating! Since I cannot write it up here at that very moment, and when I'm here writing all those thoughts just ran away! So so frustrating and annoying. So yeah I have many subjects but way too less computers and hands in use :(  I really need to write my subjects up on somewhere, so I can remember them and write about them later. Because I'm so not gonna make one so long post that you need to scroll until you hit China!
Do you guys also know what's annoying as fuck!? When you try to write your subjects up, they disappear from your brain at that very moment and laugh on top of that! I just tried to write them up, and only got three! I had like at least 6 D:<

Well now I'm going to watch a movie, and maybe read more of Silence of the lambs. G'nite my lovely readers ♥

-Cakey

ps. I need to change this font, it's annoying!
 -Done