Dear October

First I want to apologize if my texts doesn't make any sense or I'm being more weird and bouncy than usual.
I'm super tired at the moment and my thoughts are going up and down on the rollercoaster of my mind.

Also one problem is that I don't know where to start, since some of the stuff has nothing to do with the uh, other stuff. (wow, I'm so verbally talented that I might swoon)

If I'll start from last night. I was up and hungry, so I decided to make some food. And I always try to keep volume down the best I can. And it was like between 0:30-1:00 am, I was making some fried eggs. And then Marko (mom's guy) comes from their room and is like "What are you doing?" I'm like "uh... ... making food.. ?" "You know people are trying to sleep here." "yeah well, uh ... I don't have volume button on the stove, if I could be more silent I would be. It won't last long" I was annoyed at that point. It takes, what less than 10 mins to cook fried egg and it gets on his nerves.
I was polite, when I really wanted to yell at his face
      "Sorry last time I checked there's no volume button on stove, and if it annoys you so fucking much why don't you take your stuff and go to sleep in your own fucking house, I bet there's no sound at all. I'm not complaining about all the annoying thing you do!"
  Because since mom met this guy, last years December. they clicked instantly and like within a week the dude's pretty much living in our place. And if he cannot handle my nightly noises, which I try to always keep down, then go to your own fucking house! So annoyed. But he's cool & on my Top 5 of all the guys mom has dated.

So after I had calmed my feeling with good food and had been quiet for a while, I went to watch Friends for the rest of the night. I've been watching like almost two seasons in three days now (3rd & 4th)...

And in the morning my bad luck continued. Oh and if it's not obvious, I stayed whole night up. Mom got up and was watching news and then she looked me, the way I can notice from far away. It's NEVER good look. It's one of those "You should do *this and this* to your life and be an responsible adult :|" ...
Well it started liked this;
  "Did you clean the cats litter box?" "Yeah, I did. .... Oh! And the litter ran out." After that it escalated pretty quickly to the areas I dislike to discuss about.
  "You should really get a job" "*sigh* ... well yeah I know!" "Because we don't have any money, and you should get job so you'll get money and then start buying things" At that point I stopped her, I was feeling furious "So I'll be paying like a RENT?!" "No no no... *slowly shaking head* I mean like thing for the cats: litter, food, I can't provide us all.. " "No! It IS, because why don't you just set an amount of money that I must pay every month so you can buy things for our family! *huh!?*" "Well that'll work" Then she just stood up and left me there, I was so fucking furious and annoyed and IDK!!!!!! That I could've just punch her stupid face and told her that when I get job, I WILL also get an apartment so she'll don't have to see my sorry ass face anymore in HER house. (Great now I'm furious again, just by thinking that.)
  It REALLY hurts when mom brings up things like that. It's like more pressure to me so now it's not just mom's task but also mine to provide this family. So uuuhhh... great.
I know she also means good when she's telling me to get job and finish my drivers license and all other bunch of stuff, but it feels so shitty and I get freaking super anxiety from that that I just wanna curl into a ball and disappear from the freaking planet and idk... ... I just can't. Because I feel like I'm the biggest loser of the century. It's hard to be the first/oldest kid of 'near family', everyone's expecting me to be a fucking living miracle.  ....

Awesome and now I feel depressed and... ... just .. fuck this.
Thank god I had therapy today. I was able to talk stuff again.
Great now I managed to get on a happy mood again n__n Yes! (see, this is my basic emotional rollercoaster of the day)

Well yeah, those things sucked. But I had good things in my day as well! Like I said I went to therapy.

And at morning I managed to almost do a tote bag (... much bigger than I originally planned), that I've been planning to do for months now. I sewed it almost to the end. I still need to sew the handles on their correct places. So after I'm done that I can take a pic for you guys, and maybe tell a bit more.

And I bought today more of those ProFell products I told you guys about in my training -post. I uh.. Been kind of able to hang on my goals so far. Only thing that I'm not able to (yet) control is my eating. I JUST LOVE TO EAT, okay? .... Well when I get enough motivated I can start controlling it.
But yeah, the Profeel stuff.. The Coffee flavoured milk based protein drink was one of the most terrible things that I have willingly drank. I'm so happy I only had one! But the quarc-cottage cheese thingies were really tasty! And now I have rest of the products to test (quarc and yoghurt) . And I also bought some Gouda -cheese, it's one of my fave cheese's and it's not that unhealthy, and it has also good proteins, and of course calcium! (I don't get enough calcium on my daily basis) And then I craved for some good fruits, so for a change I took some pomelo's, I like them more than grape's and other citrus fruits. Since it's sweeter than grape so it doesn't need that extra layer or sugar when I eat it!
I'm also proud that I really wanted to buy like candies (especially I'm having feels for chocolate atm), nor anything sweet! Well I did buy vanilla sugar (for baking ofc, DAA!)
And then when I got home I made Vanilla pudding (Or I think it was a bit like between pudding & kissel) .. I've craved for that for weeks now! I was annoying (but easy) to make, and when they had finally cooled down and I was able to eat them, it wasn't good. I took lie maybe few teaspoonfuls of it and that's it. And I let mom & my lil sis eat the rest, they liked it.
I'm gonna try to make a new batch tomorrow... ... if it's any better.
I'm going insane with my cravings for different foods, but I try my best to ignore them, or eat something healthier instead. I still eat too much (in my opinion).

Uh, other good thing today. It made me feel really good and proud of myself and I felt that I've finally done at least something for my life! Moved one step further, ors... idk.
    Well I called to this one lady whom I was agreed that I'll give call today, and make plans for her Partylite evening. And she seemed really nice and she has had these partied before and well it just made me feel really productive that I was finally able to find a person whom likes to have a Partylite evening.
  And then I made plans with my mom that when she's having her parties.
I'm pretty exited (in good and bad!) to have these parties to host once again! I need to just get my self updated on what's going on :'D It's been probably almost a year since I last had party to host. (Well really I'm not the host, I'm uh... the presenter of the pretty things)

Oh... I just realized I have probably never mentioned in here that I'm Partylite consultant, I've been almost 2 years. I waited for years to get in age of 18, so I can become consult. Before that my mom was, but she don't do that anymore.
 Now I can see you wonder what is this 'Partylite' I'm talking about. Well long story short; If you know the concept of Tupperware -parties, same thing, but instead of Tupperware stuff I have Partylite stuff, which is Candles, And decorations. I personally love this stuff, but it's pretty expensive |D So when I'm consult I have perks!
If you're interested, take a look at here, or ask more from me :)
(well wasn't that a nice salesman speak, oops)

ummmhh.. what else what else...
OH! I've (again) fallen in love with instrumental music! I just AH.. My ears melt of while I listen all this gorgeous music, my latest playlist here. I'm especially in love with Lindsey's music. So pretty...
And I've been listening  a lot of Poets Of The Falls, I've been their fan for years! And been in 3-5 of their gigs, I would've go to one that's in two weeks really near to me, but since I'm so freaking young I can't get there (I cursed a lot and yelled when I found out that instead of the normal 18, it was 22!!).. So uh, I have to wait till December so I can get to the other gig (it's in Helsinki.) .. I was at the same gig last year :'D

And still back to the job -subject. I've been thinking now really seriously to actually go and apply into Finnkino (movie theater chain) and/or into Makuuni (video rental chain)... I've listed pro's and con's in my head for both places XD .... I'll keep you posted if I manage to do something, or if I just chicken out.

Okay, lastly. Tinker has found a new 'hot spot' where to sit when she's not sleeping, eating or being out of Einari's reach. She think it's funny to sit on top of my Thor! Even when I'm leaning to him, she goes and sit's on top of his head! #ThisIsNotAcceptable

~Cakey

I'm sorry, too lazy to get my text any 'highlights' ors. AND I still need movie for next Monday :)

Living in denial

I have lost count of how many times I have been already almost started to write about at least one of these subject. And now I'm finally doing it. Because it requires this shitty mood I'm in. So I'm giving a huge angst and rant warning. And I can't promise that this will make sense to all of ya.
As some of you guys probably know that I have been diagnosed to have depression and insomnia. And now finally it was officially diagnosed that I'm bipolar, I've know this for long myself.

I'll start with Crying, because that subject has haunted me since I started this blog.
For me there is nothing more harder thing to deal with. Crying is that one thing that I do not do. I forbid it, I'm not allowed to cry. It's weak and pathetic.
That's how I have felt about it as long as I can remember, and it means from age 4-5. But my rational side knows that it's okay to cry, everyone needs to cry. It's far away from being weak. But in this my emotional side takes control and forbids it.
Most horrible situation it is that if someone SEES me (or hears) crying.
I spent many years without shedding a tear. But then finally came the day when I broke. Can you even imagine how it feels when you have been locking all those tears for +10 years? Then there was a short phase when I cried myself sleep almost every night.
And when I started to get anxiety attacks they involved crying, along with other things. Then when it eased a bit, I literally couldn't cry. I wanted to, but I couldn't and I have no idea what happened. Because every time I felt tears getting in my eyes and feeling that hotness in my face (u know what I'm talking 'bout?) and when normally tears start to fall, I shed one tear and after that it felt like acid in my eyes, it was burning and smarting, so I couldn't actually cry. And there were no more tears left to shed. It was a fucking nightmare.
After those phases and when my anxiety attacks has clearly decreased, I'm back in denying and forbidding myself from crying.
But I have need to cry once in a while. And then I watch some movie that gets me 100% weep and cry my eyes out. Also this has changed from past.
I didn't cry at all for fictional characters, nor real ones what  so ever. Only time it's allowed to die is when someone really close to you dies. And even then I'm holding back all my feelings and tears and keep them inside.
For example, quite recently (during this year) I've faced death twice and lost my rat boys. Brighter side is that I still have one. And when the first one died, he died so suddenly and naturally. He had heart attack, and didn't suffer. I still haven't been able to cry nor mourn his death, I just somehow can't.
But my other rat made me go Niagara Falls. Since we had to take him to the vet and put him down, because his health went so crushing down and he couldn't just left him to suffer, and he was so old that recovering would've been unlikely. And uh... I was there the whole time. (Oh god I really can't write about this again.. ... so here I'll quote my self from my tumblr.)
   "Dastan was different, it really hurt me to see him suffer and struggle for the last days. And him lying on vets table, looking so small. My mom couldn’t even stay there when they gave him the anesthetics, it was too much for her. But I stayed , I couldn’t left my boy. I felt responsible to be there, for him. And then finally watching life fade away from him. His body still warm after his heart stopped beating. I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my face and my nose running." 
It was terrible, and I cried over him for few days. Even now thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
But my 'Crying habits' are still so far away from being okay. My current way is that I deny it and hold it back as long as possible and hope that it goes away, but I can't keep it in and I shed one or two tears that roll down on my cheek and that's it.
Sometimes I wish that I would be able to just cry my bad feelings out and deal like that, instead of doing all this.
Also when if and when I cry, it makes me feel even worse. And I get mad at myself for being such a pussy and weak, & that I had no reason to cry. And then I yell at myself in my head and try to harden up so I wont cry ever again. Because next time, and the only time I'm allowed to cry in when Einari dies. And I have cried that fact too many times already, it will kill me when his time comes. And most likely leads into suicide.

My head feels so fucking numb atm... I don't remember what were other quite related to the same subject things that I needed to write about. Well I'm gonna publish this and then add/edit them here when I remember.

Just one drink.

So you guys are getting TWO posts in reeeally short time.
To be honest I've been planning to write about this subject SO many times. But I'm really ashamed to actually open it to public, or to anyone.
But I just have to get it out of my system. That's how I deal with my thoughts.

So yeah, this post pretty much is only about alcohol and drinking.

For me, it's quite complicated. I have these phases that I consume so much alcohol that it hurts, and then I can be without a drop for very long time. And right now I have bad feeling that I'm getting started to consume more and more.

At this point before 'really' starting for those who are not from Finland,in here you can drink at age of 18, and get 'strong' booze (21%) at age 21. And we can get drivers licence at age of 18 as well.

How about we begin from the beginning?

I have been raised with "You can taste everything, but drugs" -method. And I remember that I have been 'tasting' from my moms drinks from really early ages. And at this point tasting means really tiny sip.
So I never had to like hide or be ashamed to ask anything related to it.

And first 'real' experiments with alcohol was in junior high school. I think I was somewhere between 12-13. So I was young. And my liver has never been really healthy, because of my medication on my childhood.
And the first experiments were of course with my best friend Nelly. We stole few ciders from our moms and like that and drank them when nobody was around.
And well since we were that young, you can guess that we got pretty drunk from one or two ciders.

We also stole some of the strong ones from liquor cabinet and mixed them onto soda. And filled the bottles with water so that the folks didn't notice. And every time either of our moms were away and we had house empty we partied together.

Also it was pretty easy to get booze from older friends, or from friends older siblings. Or just asked from random persons if they would buy booze for us.
And now that I start to think, my first REAL drunk moment was this firework event that Finland has every year. And I had six pack of pineapple cider. And I only drank like 3. And was totally wasted, well in my opinion.

One good thing I have to say, I have rarely hangover. Even if I have drank like really much. But like those times I can count with fingers!

I think we were first ones from our 'friend circle/group' to get drunk and do stupid stuff. But it was fun, we had so much fun and I would take that time back anytime!

Later on during Junior High our friends started to drink too, and I started smoking as well.
By that time my mom had scolded me so many times about drinking that she didn't care, or well was too tired to scold me. As she put it "don't do it with those people who you don't know and ALWAYS take care of everybody who's with you!"... I mean she couldn't stop me, and when she found out that most of her booze was water she got mad and yelled me that if I'm gonna drink I have to buy my own booze and leave her booze alone.

I know that most of you might get a little weird and wrong image of my mom. But she was so cool, and most of my friends were partly jealous because of that. I mean they was drinking behind their parents back and it was like totally not allowed and my mom scoffed and gave bad look.
I mean she did try her everything, she grounded me and took my phone away and all that stuff. But they don't stop me doing what I want. I have always been "terrible kid" "toxic waste" and many other funny nicknames for me being disobedient and breaking every rule that I can,just to annoy everyone!

At this age me and my bestie started uh, experimenting our sexualities. And one point the drinking was just an excuse to make out. But all that was put on tab of being wasted and it didn't mean anything... yeah, right.
We both secretly loved each others,but c'mon we weren't gay. Or at least admitted it.
And later on I fell in love with this one girl on internet whom I rarely talked because I was afraid to get rejected. And that point I realized that I need to come out of the closet. But yeah I love boys too so, I have both options ;)
It took quite a long while from my bestie to admit she's (at least) bi. And still she tries to claim she's straight, and we're together.

Well then there were this one legendary pre-Christmas party. And nobody wont shut up about it, even thought it happened like what 3-5 years ago(??).
I got really really drunk. I drank bottle of Salty licorice liquor (it's about 15%, and bottle was 0,5 l) and couple of long drinks along with Pisang (It's green colored banana liquor, about 15% as well, almost drank whole bottle). And I kinda did most embarrassing thing I have EVER done so far.
I get quite needy and horny when I'm drunk and begged my friends to make out with me.
Then I kinda hit my good friends 'fresh' ex girlfriend (they had broke up like 2 days before that).
And just note, when I don't get with good, I take what I want. I wouldn't be surprised if some point of my life I'll be sued for sexual harassment.
And my best friend got so angry for her that she almost attacked her. Or so I heard next day.
So yeah I don't have almost any memories from that night, just tons of rumors and stories.
And that was the first time I threw up, because of alcohol. And I passed out.
Then I got my reputations of being a quite drinker.

And I don't get drunk easily, my immune for it has grown onto really high.

After that party I started to date with that girl who I kinda molested XD.... But just because she wanted. I did not love her, nor even liked her. I just agreed, and told her that this is one side relationship and she agreed. And I also quit drinking at that point and well we had on-off relationship. and during that I started to try drink again. Slowly but firmly, because I could taste the alcohol in cider and in everything and it made me want to puke. But then I gained my drinking ability back at one halloween party, but I didn't overdose with it for a long time.
So my girlfriend didn't like that I drank. And partly because of her I didn't.
But when we finally broke up for good. And it was on my 18th birthday. I had a total mental break-down and hey I could buy alcohol legally now. And I had gotten like A LOT of money so I drank and drank.
And I was like almost every weekend, sometimes during week as well at bar and I drank with at least 100-200€. I was mainly wasted every time I had chance.
And when I started driving school at spring and you need to take the basic medical test for it. I got so much points in the mental & alcohol test that I needed my own doctors statement that I wasn't alcoholic.
That's when my doctor and therapist actually found out that I had a serious drinking problem. I didn't believe them. I mean, yeah I was aware of my drinking habits. When I drink I drink a lot. But I'm not addicted to it, I can stop anytime, but I don't want to. I want to numb my feelings and get away.
Bad thing is that I get really emotional and I cut myself more likely when I'm drunk. But I told them that this is just a phase, a phase when I drink more than I should. And I can be without it for long time, I just need to stop. And I think that I stopped drinking during summer so I was wasted most of the spring.
I drank everyday at least two drinks, usually more and my one weeks "dose/portion" was around 20-40 (depends if I was at bar).. And it's clearly above the alcoholic rate.

Then came the 'normal' season. I drank rarely, but much at one time. And then I had dry season. I don't even remember when I was at bar last time.My and my (current) girlfriend have this one restaurant that we go and drink there about once a month at least. Depends how much money we have :'D. We're regulars there.
But I don't even feel like drinking anymore. And when I do drink it is still to numb my feelings, and still it ain't working.  So I started out as a happy drunk now I'm just sad and angsty drunk. And I'm ashamed to be what I have become. But I cannot change the past. And I lost quite many friends because of my drinking habits, and the rest I lost because of unknown reason.
I'm not sure if I should or not write this here, but it's still part of the subject. I just haven't talk about it with anyone yet.
My current drinking habits have changed a bit. My GF likes to drink, and usually when we see, we end up drinking. And she wants me to drink as well, but I don't really want to. Okay I DO want to have maybe 1 or 2 drinks, if there's something I like. But then after those I don't want to.But I keep drinking because she wants me to. I really should talk about this to her & to my therapist, but I can't for some reason.
I always think that "Today I'll talk about it", and then....nothing. I just can't :( .....
Fucking emotional locks. I'm slave of my habits. And change is hard.

So yeah that's my story from past ~6 years. I'm not even 20 yet and I've been alcoholic.

-note: Started to write this June 1st. And finished writing 3rd day.