Make a good title.

Sorry I've been abusing my blog by being away and not writing.
I had inspiration this night of what I want to write.
I actually have two posts unfinished in my drafts, I might post other one if I ever end up finishing it.

So my topic of what I wanted to write about in here. I watched a movie, it came from tv.

Vicky Christina Barcelona

Only reason I watched it was the actors in it. First Scarlett Johansson, then there's also Penelope Cruz, Javier Bardem and Rebecca Hall. I did not know what to expect, just seen few commercials on tv that it's coming. Seemed like a romatic drama ors.

And most amazing thing was that I really really liked the movie. I usually don't go for that types of movies, and well the fact that I liked the cast was bonus. But even if they would've casted people I don't know I would've liked it. Plot was interesting and not boring, even tou the beginning didn't seem so good, but it got better.

Most of all what got me was Christina's character. Her view of love and life in general was really alike to mine. And I thought during the movie like "oh my god that's so me!" .. Like I'm really hard person to be in a relationship with. And I need this weird space and I cannot just be with one person or I feel suffocated. And for me, I'm not jealous type of person. At least in relationship, all I need is trust and open mind. And not many have that. Anyways, I'll recommend that movie to anyone who wants to take a different kind of look into love and life.

And the other thing that hit me while I was watching that movie, was my restless feeling.

I'd LOVE to just drop evertything and move to a other country for a summer or year and just have fun and experience things and then pack my bag again and move to a next place. I don't want to settle in one place, and my heart craves to get the fuck out of here. But no money, no .. .. place to go. and well, I have cat(s) so it wouldn't work that well. Anyways I'd just love to travel around and not to worry when I need to get home ors. 

I'm afraid that I just get stuck into Finland forever. 

------

In other news, if you haven't notice from my 'Find Cakey' -page, I have second blog dedicated to my Farrelleto fic, and if you're patient you might find a new short fic from there soon ;)

Until we meet again- Cakey

Dear October

First I want to apologize if my texts doesn't make any sense or I'm being more weird and bouncy than usual.
I'm super tired at the moment and my thoughts are going up and down on the rollercoaster of my mind.

Also one problem is that I don't know where to start, since some of the stuff has nothing to do with the uh, other stuff. (wow, I'm so verbally talented that I might swoon)

If I'll start from last night. I was up and hungry, so I decided to make some food. And I always try to keep volume down the best I can. And it was like between 0:30-1:00 am, I was making some fried eggs. And then Marko (mom's guy) comes from their room and is like "What are you doing?" I'm like "uh... ... making food.. ?" "You know people are trying to sleep here." "yeah well, uh ... I don't have volume button on the stove, if I could be more silent I would be. It won't last long" I was annoyed at that point. It takes, what less than 10 mins to cook fried egg and it gets on his nerves.
I was polite, when I really wanted to yell at his face
      "Sorry last time I checked there's no volume button on stove, and if it annoys you so fucking much why don't you take your stuff and go to sleep in your own fucking house, I bet there's no sound at all. I'm not complaining about all the annoying thing you do!"
  Because since mom met this guy, last years December. they clicked instantly and like within a week the dude's pretty much living in our place. And if he cannot handle my nightly noises, which I try to always keep down, then go to your own fucking house! So annoyed. But he's cool & on my Top 5 of all the guys mom has dated.

So after I had calmed my feeling with good food and had been quiet for a while, I went to watch Friends for the rest of the night. I've been watching like almost two seasons in three days now (3rd & 4th)...

And in the morning my bad luck continued. Oh and if it's not obvious, I stayed whole night up. Mom got up and was watching news and then she looked me, the way I can notice from far away. It's NEVER good look. It's one of those "You should do *this and this* to your life and be an responsible adult :|" ...
Well it started liked this;
  "Did you clean the cats litter box?" "Yeah, I did. .... Oh! And the litter ran out." After that it escalated pretty quickly to the areas I dislike to discuss about.
  "You should really get a job" "*sigh* ... well yeah I know!" "Because we don't have any money, and you should get job so you'll get money and then start buying things" At that point I stopped her, I was feeling furious "So I'll be paying like a RENT?!" "No no no... *slowly shaking head* I mean like thing for the cats: litter, food, I can't provide us all.. " "No! It IS, because why don't you just set an amount of money that I must pay every month so you can buy things for our family! *huh!?*" "Well that'll work" Then she just stood up and left me there, I was so fucking furious and annoyed and IDK!!!!!! That I could've just punch her stupid face and told her that when I get job, I WILL also get an apartment so she'll don't have to see my sorry ass face anymore in HER house. (Great now I'm furious again, just by thinking that.)
  It REALLY hurts when mom brings up things like that. It's like more pressure to me so now it's not just mom's task but also mine to provide this family. So uuuhhh... great.
I know she also means good when she's telling me to get job and finish my drivers license and all other bunch of stuff, but it feels so shitty and I get freaking super anxiety from that that I just wanna curl into a ball and disappear from the freaking planet and idk... ... I just can't. Because I feel like I'm the biggest loser of the century. It's hard to be the first/oldest kid of 'near family', everyone's expecting me to be a fucking living miracle.  ....

Awesome and now I feel depressed and... ... just .. fuck this.
Thank god I had therapy today. I was able to talk stuff again.
Great now I managed to get on a happy mood again n__n Yes! (see, this is my basic emotional rollercoaster of the day)

Well yeah, those things sucked. But I had good things in my day as well! Like I said I went to therapy.

And at morning I managed to almost do a tote bag (... much bigger than I originally planned), that I've been planning to do for months now. I sewed it almost to the end. I still need to sew the handles on their correct places. So after I'm done that I can take a pic for you guys, and maybe tell a bit more.

And I bought today more of those ProFell products I told you guys about in my training -post. I uh.. Been kind of able to hang on my goals so far. Only thing that I'm not able to (yet) control is my eating. I JUST LOVE TO EAT, okay? .... Well when I get enough motivated I can start controlling it.
But yeah, the Profeel stuff.. The Coffee flavoured milk based protein drink was one of the most terrible things that I have willingly drank. I'm so happy I only had one! But the quarc-cottage cheese thingies were really tasty! And now I have rest of the products to test (quarc and yoghurt) . And I also bought some Gouda -cheese, it's one of my fave cheese's and it's not that unhealthy, and it has also good proteins, and of course calcium! (I don't get enough calcium on my daily basis) And then I craved for some good fruits, so for a change I took some pomelo's, I like them more than grape's and other citrus fruits. Since it's sweeter than grape so it doesn't need that extra layer or sugar when I eat it!
I'm also proud that I really wanted to buy like candies (especially I'm having feels for chocolate atm), nor anything sweet! Well I did buy vanilla sugar (for baking ofc, DAA!)
And then when I got home I made Vanilla pudding (Or I think it was a bit like between pudding & kissel) .. I've craved for that for weeks now! I was annoying (but easy) to make, and when they had finally cooled down and I was able to eat them, it wasn't good. I took lie maybe few teaspoonfuls of it and that's it. And I let mom & my lil sis eat the rest, they liked it.
I'm gonna try to make a new batch tomorrow... ... if it's any better.
I'm going insane with my cravings for different foods, but I try my best to ignore them, or eat something healthier instead. I still eat too much (in my opinion).

Uh, other good thing today. It made me feel really good and proud of myself and I felt that I've finally done at least something for my life! Moved one step further, ors... idk.
    Well I called to this one lady whom I was agreed that I'll give call today, and make plans for her Partylite evening. And she seemed really nice and she has had these partied before and well it just made me feel really productive that I was finally able to find a person whom likes to have a Partylite evening.
  And then I made plans with my mom that when she's having her parties.
I'm pretty exited (in good and bad!) to have these parties to host once again! I need to just get my self updated on what's going on :'D It's been probably almost a year since I last had party to host. (Well really I'm not the host, I'm uh... the presenter of the pretty things)

Oh... I just realized I have probably never mentioned in here that I'm Partylite consultant, I've been almost 2 years. I waited for years to get in age of 18, so I can become consult. Before that my mom was, but she don't do that anymore.
 Now I can see you wonder what is this 'Partylite' I'm talking about. Well long story short; If you know the concept of Tupperware -parties, same thing, but instead of Tupperware stuff I have Partylite stuff, which is Candles, And decorations. I personally love this stuff, but it's pretty expensive |D So when I'm consult I have perks!
If you're interested, take a look at here, or ask more from me :)
(well wasn't that a nice salesman speak, oops)

ummmhh.. what else what else...
OH! I've (again) fallen in love with instrumental music! I just AH.. My ears melt of while I listen all this gorgeous music, my latest playlist here. I'm especially in love with Lindsey's music. So pretty...
And I've been listening  a lot of Poets Of The Falls, I've been their fan for years! And been in 3-5 of their gigs, I would've go to one that's in two weeks really near to me, but since I'm so freaking young I can't get there (I cursed a lot and yelled when I found out that instead of the normal 18, it was 22!!).. So uh, I have to wait till December so I can get to the other gig (it's in Helsinki.) .. I was at the same gig last year :'D

And still back to the job -subject. I've been thinking now really seriously to actually go and apply into Finnkino (movie theater chain) and/or into Makuuni (video rental chain)... I've listed pro's and con's in my head for both places XD .... I'll keep you posted if I manage to do something, or if I just chicken out.

Okay, lastly. Tinker has found a new 'hot spot' where to sit when she's not sleeping, eating or being out of Einari's reach. She think it's funny to sit on top of my Thor! Even when I'm leaning to him, she goes and sit's on top of his head! #ThisIsNotAcceptable

~Cakey

I'm sorry, too lazy to get my text any 'highlights' ors. AND I still need movie for next Monday :)

Train to be trained

I don't remember if I've ever talk about sports or dieting in here.

Or anything related to getting my lazy ass self into fit shape. Probably not?

(I'm just gonna drop all these pics around here)

Well I've finally started to do something about it. It's been a long time since last time. 

   I think I mentioned that I've been wanting a punching bag for years now, and I finally got it, but I was too sick to start training. Now that I'm healthy enough I finally started today (root for me that I'll be actually going to continue!).   

   The only sport that I have done before this (somewhat regular) is Snowboarding. But obviously you can only do that at winters. And in last few years I haven't snowboard at all.  

   I finally was smart enough to realize that because I've snowboard/skied since I was five. It's the reason why my legs are the only body part that are muscular. Well my tights are covered with laziness, but otherwise there's nothing else than muscle in my legs.

Of course also normal exercise, like walking instead of using bus/car have been part of the reason. But I have never really been into sports, at all. Actually it's reverse, I hate sports truly from my heart. I don't even watch sport, it's annoying and looks exhausting.

     I've been interested in riding and motocross. But I never ended up doing either of them, partly because they are expensive hobbies.       

   Boxing is (along snowboarding) the one that I've been interested in for a long time and really wanted to do it. Boxing, because I need to punch someone and I need to let feelings out. And I do it by beating someone, so instead of bruising my little sister, I was told (~5 yrs ago) that I'll get a punching bag. And now finally I have it. I just feel stupid hitting a sack instead of a real person, it doesn't really get your adrenaline up. And the sack doesn't respond to that and hit you back, which also raises adrenaline. But I really don't have a choice here.

  

   My main reason is still, so cliché, I want to build my body to look good. Especially my arms! I like muscular arms, I just adore them. And I'd kill to have nicely muscular arms. And boxing trains power and arm muscles. So it's pretty much a dream sport for me. Technically. Of course I also wouldn't mind if I could get my stomach flattened and build my general shape better.  

Indeed, the problem is just that I might (a huge big might) have asthma. And/Or something's wrong with my body, like my blood circulation and air supplying stuff kind of wrong. 

I know that I have low blood pressure and I'm almost anemic. And because of that I can't do sports like aerobic, or any fast and 'lots of moving' sports. I'll faint if I do that (oh them memories |D )... I've experienced many 'near to fainting'  cases during middle school's P.E. and then my friend's walked me to the nurses office to sleep next two hours. So that's because of my blood.

Then the other problem is that I can't get breath correctly. Yes I do breathe, and No I'm not pacing it wrong. And it goes to my lungs, I feel it. But it doesn't go to my head, which makes me dizzy and I have to keep tiny pauses to get a steady feeling in my head.

I've argued about this so many times. I know my health isn't suberb, but my problems aren't based on that. I keep on going even if I feel that my muscles wan to give up and I push harder. But when you   can't breath, it's different. I also do make sure that I have eaten before training, so it's not my blood sugars fault, that it would suddenly drop. 

So yeah, I have something in my system that needs to be fixed. I get out of breath way too easily.

I feel like I'm bouncing on different areas and not really getting onto my point. To be honest, I'm not even sure what IS my point :'D ... 

  Well of course I'm not gonna get in shape just by moving my lazy ass around. 

  It needs a good and healthy diet. At this very moment my diet is basically 'Anything that I find eatable in our fridge', but then again I'm pretty picky of what I eat. 

  My worst thing about eating, is that I don't eat at morning, nor during day (depends when I wake up) and I drink cup of coffee when I wake up, and another one around 3-5pm. And when do I eat?

At nights, I stay up and watch movies or be on computer and I end up snacking. 

  Or I might eat heavily, it highly depends what we have. 

And then I go to sleep after that.

But other than that I eat pretty healthy, I rarely eat fast food like pizza, burgers etc. 

And I love rye bread, so I get fibers. I also eat these mineral/vitamin pills so my hair and nails grow better and stay stronger (zinc, calcium & magnesium). 

My newest love is Vitamin Waters, they have finally arrived to Finland! Unfortunately we don't have all of the flavors :( 

My own faves are Multi-V (Zinc, Lemonade flavor) and Power-C (C & B-vitamins, Dragonfruit flavor). 

I love them, and they don't have bubbles, it's still water. (My tummy don't like carbonic)

Usually my diets are pretty simple. Well depends which one I pick. 

There's the easiest and probably healthiest one, I just leave out all the un-healthy stuff. Like candies, sodas, cakes, pizza, etc. Everything that's pretty much coated with sugar or fat. But you have to have some treats for your self. Like every week you can have good (and healthy) food, that's maybe better than your average food. Or ice cream. Or well pretty much anything you like. For me it would be probably chinese food or fruit salad. I've notice that when I start dieting, I actually make really good and awesome food. Otherwise I'm just too lazy to cook.

I have never counted calories, nor anything. I would get obsessed if I would.

Then there's my so-not-healthy -diet. I pretty much let my self to starve. I eat really tiny amount of food daily. Maybe a sandwich, or like that. But I drink a lot, and I mean like many liters a day. Well yeah, you lose weight fast, but you also get suberb tired and hungry. You need very much will of power to resist it. But I'd like to say that I don't recommend it to anyone!

 Since, when your body doesn't get fats and energy from the food you eat, it starts to burn the ones you have in storage and you'll be 'working' in half of your power.

Sometimes I combine these two, but I only have few days when I don't eat. Or I have tiny fasting, maybe a week long. So I burn extra fast and then I continue my diet healthy way. I just need to be motivated.

Because it's very hard when you're the only one in the family who does so, and my mom likes to have something sweet with the coffee, so we always have something in the house. 

My weak spot is chips and salty snacks. It's no biggie to say no for greasy and sweet stuff. 

But after it begins to be routine you wont miss any of that. And you need to be creative so you'll make healthy snacks for your self. For me it's also to have them so that none else eats them! 

 Well I think that I took the food up because I was supposed to say that now while I'm again starting to diet, and now I'm also combining training to it, I really need to know what I'm eating.
And it's good that before training you get energy, proteins are best ones. Because they wont make you feel stuffed and full like carbs do, but they still get your energy up.
   So I have now tested this new(ish) product that has more proteins than normal products. They're called Valio ProFeel (sry only Finnish site), and they're basically milk products (flavored & 'original' yogurts, quarks and milk drinks) and good thing is that they're lactose free!
I'm not sure if these really work, but they're tasty and they don't give you that stuffed feeling. So I think they work like they should. But we'll see when I have used them more :)

I first thought that I'll stop eating carbs, but after doing some research I noticed that it would be stupid. And at least at this point when I'm still starting I don't need to bulk up, since I have *cough* mass where to build up. But idk when I'm at that point that I have to start bulking I'll do some more research about it.

(I just realized it's Thursday.. HAPPY THOR'S DAY!!)
  So now I have set my self some sort of 'training schedule' .. And my goal is to train at least three times a week, at least 30 mins at a time.
I hope I'll be able to do it and make my current eating habits better.
(I'm gonna miss night snacking!)


But I feel confident about this! Since I really really want to look good. Thank God I'm vain person, otherwise I wouldn't have motivation.

I feel bad for you guys, since I jump from topic to topic and it's all just one big messy shit written all over. I try to keep in one thing and then my thoughts run wild and blah.... Sorry.

I have probably never said in here that I don't feel like being a girl and I'd rather be a boy. And I've been thinking a sex change seriously for many years, like 10 years. I was really young when I found out that you can change your gender. And I have thought it and always think that I will do it, for years.
But for reasonable reasons, and selfish reasons I haven't done anything. This really isn't much relevant to the subject.

But uh, since training is also one form of modifying your body it is kind of relevant. And I think that well trained girl ain't hot. But little muscular and fit looks good. And I really don't know what I want to do, because I want to have firm and big(ish) biceps and arms in general.
But I hate my upper body, boobs and chest to be correct. I've always thought that I will eventually get rid of them. Because I really wanna have trained and firm chest, but then again, I don't because I'm girl.
If I would be a guy (and have same thought world as I do now) I would train my body to be alike to either of Chris's! I just adore their bodies, they have great shape and well built muscles. And those arm, oh god let me die! (And irrelevant to this, but of course their faces, voices and natures are unbelievable as well!)
 Yeah, I'm just super jealous XD .... 
I know someone wonder at this point that, then if I feel so gross in my body, why I haven't change my gender, well simply one reason: I don't have a chance on a straight guys anymore. I just love guys too much to chance myself.

   But it's another whole story of me and my gender issues and my pros and cons lists about of changing.

 Back to the actual subject! I have no idea why I left this till here.
Well today, indeed when I was having my first training session, I had about 45 min -session with my tiny breath breaks.
First ten minutes I tried my best, but I just felt awful. So I had to go and pick my asthma medication (It was for my bronchitis, so I can breathe at nights) and after taking that, I felt really good. It opens up my lungs or something, well makes me easier to breathe! And, yeah I felt exhausted and out of breath, but not like I usually do when I exercise.
So I think that I really need to discuss with my doctor and get diagnosed for asthma so I'll have permanent medication.

Anyways, I also noticed how big effect music has. I had my iPod on whole time, but the songs. Some of them really encouraged me more than others. So now I've been thinking that I need to do playlist that has good songs for workout.
And something happened, that has never ever happened before. I felt really exhausted, but good and relaxed after all that. My knuckles were red and sore, even though I have gloves. And I was feeling sweaty, but still energetic and good and woah! 

Now I get those people who gets good vibes and feels from sports and all that. I have never got it before, so I thought that it's just impossible to feel good for sporting! 

But now I get it. You just need to find your own sport.

I felt like I could go on, but I knew that I need to stop and  I'm gonna make myself some routine to it and not star with too big bite and then tomorrow I'd be in total spasm and swear that I'll never move again.

I feel that I've blabbered wayyyy too much already! Now I'm gonna shut up and idk do something :'D! But yeah, even a sport -hater might find a suitable sport for themselves, might just take a while!

~Cakey

Ps. Hey toss me a movie for Monday ;) 
Again, I'd be nice if it would be picked out of my last seen/Rent a Movie list's!

Sick of being sick

As you can probably guess from my title I've been, and still am sick. It's the only reason why I haven't been updating my blog. I'm completely drained from energy, but I feel responsible that I need to post at least something in here.

This started on last weeks Friday. Out of nowhere, boom! I got fever, and straight to 38-39° (Celsius, go and find your Fahrenheit converter yourself!) and that's a lot for me. I don't know like what's my normal body temperature is, but when I'm even like 36,8° I'm not feeling well.

  And also the coughing started, and next day it had gone worse and my slight cough was now terrible. And I started to cough (slime/)sputum out. And felt that there was a giant ball of mucus/slime stuck deep on my throat that makes breathing hard. 

  And of course all the wonderful joint and muscles pains gets extra painful.

So since my fever didn't drop, and my nights were hell to sleep (even with the power of painkillers). We decided to go to see doctor. Since I wasn't so thrilled to go and queue for hours on the public side, we reserved appointment on private site. Right on Monday.

  For those who don't know Finnish healthcare system is lil different. There's public side that's open to all and then there's Private side. But it costs much (well compared to public), but if you have insurance you can get part of your money back from there. (difference is like public~15€ and private~+70€) 

First I had thought that "Fuck No, I'm so not having another angina AGAIN!" (It would've been my 5th within a year) and of course I told the doctor my doubts and all that's been bugging my body etc. And he said that he really can't be sure. Since my lymph nodes aren't that swollen and my tonsils are looking ok. But he sent me to get tested in lab just to be sure.

  I assumed it was only (I think it's called) pharynx culture, you know when they took the long cotton swap thingie and swipe it on your throat and it feels like your gonna throw up, yes? But I soon found out that they also needed my blood. There's seriously nothing I hate more than blood tests. I'd rather take a pet spider than let people steal my blood. Usually they're taken from elbow pit/crook. I have good veins and they're easy to sting, but my elbow crooks are really sensitive. And it's always like "It's like a mosquito bite, it wont hurt long. Just a little sting :)" WELL FUCK NO! I can fucking feel the needle in my vein and the pressure when the blood goes in the tube! I'd rather take one mosquito bite. I've been told that it can be because my vein has a "V-shape" that it crosses soon after that so it can be more sensitive because of that.

But the lady who was taking it saw how totally inner panicing I was and asked if I preferred that we took the test from finger tip. My eyes widened and I was like "Really? You could take it from my finger, yeah. That would be so much better" It didn't hurt at all when she took the blood test. And when I panic of blood tests I'm barely breathing and uncontrollably shaking and firmly keeping my hands tied so no one can sting me with their evil needles.

  But yeah the doctor really couldn't do more than order me more painkillers and get me tested. 

So my mom was impatient and wanted a solution faster. We could see some of the results from computer like next day. And mom called the doctor, apparently the guy works in private only on Mondays and on public for rest of the week. Oh, my mom is also working on healthcare -industry so she knows usually and she knows what those tests means etc. 

   And my fever just didn't come down. It's really painful. It's either too hot or too cold and it's never a good position. And the coughing hurts and oh god now I'm sweating my ass off, so I'll toss the blanket away, But wait! Now it's too cold. So yeah. 

  So! Mom called to the guy and he said that why didn't we go to public? And that we need to get my fever down, because if it wont come down it's starting to make my organs feel too hot and the heat starts to damage them. And that when I've had ten days of fever she should call again or do smt. I really don't remember correctly what, but yeah.

And then mom told that I need to be taken new blood tests, but she can take them in here. But I need to go and get taken new pharynx culture. I really was at too bad shape to panic and resist mom at Friday morning when she took two tubes of blood out of me. and later that morning I went to hospital to get that test done.

Mom saw the results later that day on computer at her work and my inflammation rates were sky high (for normal ppl they're like less than 5 or 10, mine were 60), so something is wrong. But we still don't know the culture's result... We'll see them on Monday then.

So today's ninth day of me being sick. And mom is worried to sick. My fevers been everyday over 38°, witch isn't good. My every single muscle is aching. It even hurts to breathe. My lungs hurt. I'm tired of coughing, because every time I cough, my abs hurt so much that I feel them my stomach rips apart and my back snaps in pieces. There's tinnitus in my ears all of the time, the volume of it just changes.  My head aches. I feel like every breath I take is penetrating acid in my lungs. My skin feels like it's melting off and sticking to every surface that it touches. There's no power in my movements. I have lost my apetite. The fever is making me have terrible nightmares and they woke me up and I cannot sleep after that anymore. Then there's always oh so pleasure with arrhythmia.

  The only thing that I try to do is force myself to eat at least something everyday. But I drink a lot, well I probably sweat most of it off.

Mom said that it's probably already got into my lungs and it's most likely either pneumonia or bronchitis.

Einari has kept me company a lot. He needs attentions and since most of my, well all of my days I'm laying on sofa. He has come to see if I'm alive like every fifteen minutes and meows at my face and always needing scratching :'D Like now. He insisted to get in my lap even tou there's laptop and not much space. Well he's my 'little' black sunshine ♥

I'm sorry I haven't write my latest Movie Monday, I DID keep my Avengers -marathon, even thought I didn't feel like it, since I was so drained. But I did. I've also watched all the Scrubs I own, I need moar ;;--;;.

Sincerely yours, Cakey.

Oh, and ps. I'm going to doctor's on Monday. again. To see what's next. I hope I wont be hospitalized. 

Wake me up when September ends

Fun fact: My original title idea was "The Productive Disaster in Kitchen" .... But then I realized that September had just started and that maybe I should make title out of it. And that my topic might not fit under my original idea.

I'd like to remind everyone that tomorrow is Monday (although in my head I'm feeling like Saturday today). So it's time for another Movie Monday! I still don't have any recommendations, so throw one for me?
I just today updated my Last Seen -list & Rent a Movie -page! After I have managed to write this entry I'll be watching two movies, The Soloist and Eden Lake :)
Again I'm gonna say that it would be preferable to pick one (or several) movie(s) out from either of those lists!

Oh god my attention span id like rodent's, it's not fun when you need to do something that needs your full attention. Like writing a blog. I just do shitloads of things at the same time, and aimlessly surf around my tabs and see if anything has happened. And then I come back and stare this. I know what I want to write, but I have no idea in what order and like .... ... what am I really gonna say. And I'm also looking the clock like "ooommggg I need to write fast so I can go to see the movie before it's like 4 am!" (It's 8:35pm atm)

Ehh, well I got into baking again. I love baking so much. But the problem is that I have no one who eats all of the things I make! Because I have these phases that I just bake and bake and bake. Also one thing that makes it semi hard is that me and mom can't have any lactose in our foods, well I try to avoid it, but I really don't care. But mom can't stand it at all, sometimes she does eat a little food with it and then her she's having hard time :s ....

But yeah, My GF had asked if I could bake Mocha cakes/pastries. Well of course I agreed, since she didn't allow me to make cake. So I told her that I'll do one sheet of normal ones and one sheet of my own adapted recipe.
Here's the result;

Hmm the pics are acting weird again. They should both be horizontal. Well, I'm not on a mood to fight with them!   

So the left one is my own variation. And the frosting didn't go the way I planned it to... I had never ever melted marshmallows so much and like made a frosting out of them, also there's white chocolate and strawberry flavored powdered sugar. I was aiming it to become bright pink, but it ended up being brown and hard... I think I accidentally caramel.. ...lisided (???) the sugar. I dun know the real verb and neither does the dictionary. But you know when you heat up sugar and it melts and becomes caramel, yes? Well yeah I think I did that, So it became super hard. I still need to clean the pot where I made this. Here have some visual. Srsl that brown stuff is stone hard! XD

And you can't even see the bottom, I poured some hot water and soap there so it'll soak. The bottom ot that is like pitch black and stuck in there! XD Well not the first time I've managed to make something sticky.
In the end it wasn't so bad tasting! It was like Slightly strawberry flavored Daim.
Next time I'll manage to make it better! XD

And uh in the right pic is the normal mocha cakes :3 I think I should make new sheet of them for us :) I enjoy doing them... And then I'm covered with icing sugar! Well I don't mind, I find if hilarious.

I also made some American pancakes, I just LOVE them! They are worth the work. I mean we have so much different version of 'normal' pancakes. I think they came out ugly looking, my previous ones (in my memory) seemed much prettier. But when I found the pic, they are quite a like. They're just piled up! And pf course they're served with maple syrup!

One day I'm gonna make pretty ones! One day....
I made these right after I woke up.
And I managed to fill the house with thick smoke. Srsl if you went to room that was closed and then came out, you could see that everything was grey XD!
I happens when you're using real butter to cook something and it takes longer than few minutes. Like if you're doing omelette it usually covers the whole pan, then there's no time to make smoke. But when doing these, there's space to form the "extra" smoke. I like doing these c: I just wish there would be ppl who eat these :<

I was supposed to make these on Friday, but I it was so late, and we watched The Last Song with mom. And I only managed to make Ham-Minced meat  -quiche. Idk I just feel weird to say 'pie'. Because you know it's full sheet of pie, so quiche sounds better. Well what ever, here:

This is one of those pies that when you eat one of those huge pieces you're instant bloated!
And I like how it's not so basic.
It also has one of the best crusts that I know. Since there's instant-mashed potatoes -mixing added to there. It gives a smooth flavor to it. And it's not so pizza alike that it may seem.
I was tempted to put the vegetable - mashed potatoes version in there, since I like it. But I ended up putting normal one.
Also I like how the topping is not just cheese. There's the mixing of eggs, creme cheese, milk and grated cheese.
I have done this exact same quiche once before, as in meat flavored.
Maybe next time I'll do 'sea' -version :) with tuna and shrimps!



I think the last one was that I made also a card for my GF. She always demands hand made card. So here's mine.

I hope that collage of photos makes sense.
First of course there's the front view, with Charlie the unicorn and Thor, he has pint in his hand!
And that number 20 is made out of tiny pieces of paper that I have cut myself.
Then the cat that says "BLÖ" It's just like "Blergh" kind of utterance.
Ummh the pic below the cat just shows the 'card' that was inside the pocket. It says (in Finnish):
"With this ticket you're privileged to: Movie night at the day* you wish in good company" (the asterisk has marked in the back and says "If it fits both parties")
And the lowest pic is obviously the inner look.
If you can't read the speech bubbles:
"This drink, I like it. ANOTHER!!" "I took the alcohol out if it" "WHAT?" "Brother, you've just been LOKIIII'D!" (ehehe -written with lighter green in the bubble like x100 XD) "LOKI!" 
And as you can see the bar's name is Laufey's, and there's Tony and The Huntsman in the bar ...

Okay now I can FINALLY go to see those two movies :)
Oh and My GF hadn't got a spider, I was like "NO FUCKING WAY!" when she told me that she had gotten "alive birthday present" for herself, I guessed it was the spider. But thank god no, it was the snake. AND MY GOD IT WAS SO SOFT AND CUTE AND ;;---;;  I WAN'T ONE! It was quite like this;

Ghost colored Corn Snake.

-Cakey

Do you want to update your life?

First of all, I'm apologizing that my Movie Monday #3 will be late. I'll be writing it tomorrow after I come from therapy. Because the movie I was given I had no time to watch it, so after writing this post I'm gonna watch it (Iron Sky) and then hopefully go to sleep!
So I'll be updating stuff today in general, since well, stuff has happened :'D

I'm gonna start with me!
Today I had hairdresser, and last time I was there it's been seriously closer to six months! And that's a long long time for me! Well I did dye my hair by myself during that break, but it was more like uh... "I'm annoyed by my hair, I'm gonna dye them now!" sort of temporal decision.
And when my hair grew out of that, I had 5 different colors in my hair. Usually I keep my hair short, but now I'm on a task of growing them.

Pic spam! So first: before hairdresser. And then after (obviously), I like to keep my hair on ponytail, otherwise it's just dangling in front of my eyes annoyingly. I keep it either on top of my head, so my bangs are tied up, OR I have it back there.

And why you may ask, why on earth am I growing my hair out. Well, may I present you the evil person behind my inspiration;

     Mister Chris Hemsworth. And his totally amazing hair... I just wanna run my fingers trough that glorious hair of his! Am I being creep again |D Mmmmyes?   

    That's actually the pic I took along with me to the hairdresser. And told her that I want to have that color. As you can see I have QUITE a lot more lighter color than him. Well except the tops! They are darker and much more closer to the right color, and well my hair is still too short, so I'll grow my hair to that length and get the dark in the roots! And next time when I'm going to hairdresser well dye it to right shade c:   

    Idk I haven't never ever had this blonde hair, and like fully blonde! Usually I have had black along there, but this, it's weird. It'll take some time to get used to these. They're like 

almost white from the roots XD

  (Oh god I fought long to get the pic & text in sync!! >8( )

And then entirely to other subject... Well kinda, it involves partly Mr.H ... ... .... TO THE SUBJECT!!

As you guys might remember/know that I have Huntsman poster, like the super huge one from movie theater. And just because I can, I've been trying to obtain another exactly same one from there. 

Well we have Finnkino that has like theaters all over Finland, and my poster is from Vantaa's one. And I've been trying to obtain the second one from Helsinki (Tennis Palace).

And So far it hasn't gone so well, so I sent email asking about it and you know in general like where to ask them etc.

Today I got a response that they aren't allowed to give any of the big posters nor the cardboard cut outs to people. Because the movie company says no. Of course I then asked that can I ask from the movie company, and if so from where. She responded me quickly telling that they represent the Finland's part of that and they're not allowed to do that.

At that very moment I kinda lost the war.

And also at that moment I wasn't sure did I want to laugh or cry, because... I have only few movie related things on my wall... (This is semi-old pic...)

AND THEY'RE BOTH FROM MOVIE THEATERS! AHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!!!

I kinda felt special. Because uh... If they're not supposed to, how did I was allowed to get them? Well I might be in warm contact to Vantaa's theater in future ;) They seem much nicer there! And in Kino Palace, my Holmes & Watson are from there. 

And then I started to wonder that Tennis Palace CAN'T have like their own rules by the giving away -part, since they have same distributor as Kino (another in Helsinki) & Flamingo (Vantaa) ... So technically they shouldn't give the posters away. (I hope all those name's makes sense to my non-Finnish readers)

Idk I should try to get a job from one of those theaters, so I'll might have advantage of getting them 0:--D & I get discount of going to movies~ Would be kinda dream job. Kinda. 

And to the last subject. I ordered just so awesome Supernatural Themed shirt that I think I'm gonna die! I still haven't realized that I actually bought it XD ... U know it's like one of those "one time offers" and when the clock rans out, they're gone. So I reacted and panic bought it.   #Oops

Okay Now I'll go to watch that Darn movie! So see ya all tomorrow! :)

Oh and hey! How old do you guys think I look, honestly! I'm dying to know... .___. 

~Cakey

Living in denial

I have lost count of how many times I have been already almost started to write about at least one of these subject. And now I'm finally doing it. Because it requires this shitty mood I'm in. So I'm giving a huge angst and rant warning. And I can't promise that this will make sense to all of ya.
As some of you guys probably know that I have been diagnosed to have depression and insomnia. And now finally it was officially diagnosed that I'm bipolar, I've know this for long myself.

I'll start with Crying, because that subject has haunted me since I started this blog.
For me there is nothing more harder thing to deal with. Crying is that one thing that I do not do. I forbid it, I'm not allowed to cry. It's weak and pathetic.
That's how I have felt about it as long as I can remember, and it means from age 4-5. But my rational side knows that it's okay to cry, everyone needs to cry. It's far away from being weak. But in this my emotional side takes control and forbids it.
Most horrible situation it is that if someone SEES me (or hears) crying.
I spent many years without shedding a tear. But then finally came the day when I broke. Can you even imagine how it feels when you have been locking all those tears for +10 years? Then there was a short phase when I cried myself sleep almost every night.
And when I started to get anxiety attacks they involved crying, along with other things. Then when it eased a bit, I literally couldn't cry. I wanted to, but I couldn't and I have no idea what happened. Because every time I felt tears getting in my eyes and feeling that hotness in my face (u know what I'm talking 'bout?) and when normally tears start to fall, I shed one tear and after that it felt like acid in my eyes, it was burning and smarting, so I couldn't actually cry. And there were no more tears left to shed. It was a fucking nightmare.
After those phases and when my anxiety attacks has clearly decreased, I'm back in denying and forbidding myself from crying.
But I have need to cry once in a while. And then I watch some movie that gets me 100% weep and cry my eyes out. Also this has changed from past.
I didn't cry at all for fictional characters, nor real ones what  so ever. Only time it's allowed to die is when someone really close to you dies. And even then I'm holding back all my feelings and tears and keep them inside.
For example, quite recently (during this year) I've faced death twice and lost my rat boys. Brighter side is that I still have one. And when the first one died, he died so suddenly and naturally. He had heart attack, and didn't suffer. I still haven't been able to cry nor mourn his death, I just somehow can't.
But my other rat made me go Niagara Falls. Since we had to take him to the vet and put him down, because his health went so crushing down and he couldn't just left him to suffer, and he was so old that recovering would've been unlikely. And uh... I was there the whole time. (Oh god I really can't write about this again.. ... so here I'll quote my self from my tumblr.)
   "Dastan was different, it really hurt me to see him suffer and struggle for the last days. And him lying on vets table, looking so small. My mom couldn’t even stay there when they gave him the anesthetics, it was too much for her. But I stayed , I couldn’t left my boy. I felt responsible to be there, for him. And then finally watching life fade away from him. His body still warm after his heart stopped beating. I couldn’t stop the tears rolling down my face and my nose running." 
It was terrible, and I cried over him for few days. Even now thinking about it brings tears to my eyes.
But my 'Crying habits' are still so far away from being okay. My current way is that I deny it and hold it back as long as possible and hope that it goes away, but I can't keep it in and I shed one or two tears that roll down on my cheek and that's it.
Sometimes I wish that I would be able to just cry my bad feelings out and deal like that, instead of doing all this.
Also when if and when I cry, it makes me feel even worse. And I get mad at myself for being such a pussy and weak, & that I had no reason to cry. And then I yell at myself in my head and try to harden up so I wont cry ever again. Because next time, and the only time I'm allowed to cry in when Einari dies. And I have cried that fact too many times already, it will kill me when his time comes. And most likely leads into suicide.

My head feels so fucking numb atm... I don't remember what were other quite related to the same subject things that I needed to write about. Well I'm gonna publish this and then add/edit them here when I remember.

Life uses Panic, it's very effective!

Like I've told you guys I've been pretty stressed because of the shit that has happened before this trip.
Well now good news are that I have flight tickets back & forth. But I still don't have Hotel... unfortunately. I do have the money for it (well kinda, they should be usable on my account soon), but the main problem is that I cannot reserve the discounted price hotel room for internet anymore.
And I would save quite amount of money if I could get my room with that discount :s So I'm gonna take my room when I arrive in Rome. So thumbs up that I can get the discount!!
I _can_ pay for normal room ,but the I have much less 'living money' and I have a bad hunch that Rome is expensive country.
Okay so now that that's off from my stress -list. I move to another stressing subject that I got today.
"What I'm gonna take with me!?" "What back I'm gonna take!?" "What clothes I wanna wear? Are they clean!?"
I've only been stressing for major things and now that there's only few days till I actually leave I started to think all the tiny things.
So yeah, I'm gonna tomorrow choose all clothes etc. that I'm gonna wear. And Rome is pretty 'hot' city, compared to Finland at this time of year :'D
And  I do NOT want to wear same clothes on my photo ops'es that I have worn before! I think I know what I could wear. Because then I don't want to be like 'over dressed' too fancy, but I'm not gonna look like shit either!
Also I have huge problem with my idiotic hair! Since I couldn't afford to go in hairdresser before my trip (I had appointment, but had to cancel), my hair is over grown! I really need to add some yellow to my mohawk! And I thought that I could cut little bit from the tips, since it's hard to get up because my hair is so long :(
I was also thinking to ass (again) some green (and/or blue) to the tips. It looks pretty neat, but since it's added by chalking it wont stay that well :s So I would most likely had to add it in Rome.. idk.
I have way too much to things to think, from the big major things to the tiny details.
Like what kind of pose i want to have?! I don't want same poses, not the basic hug or hand on shoulder w/ polite smile.
*Phew* That was long, was it? It felt like it! I'm sorry I didn't write yesterday nor day before that like I was supposed to. (I was supposed to write Titanic, Real Steel, Crying and stuff kinda post since I watched both movie in same day! And I was full of all emotions! But was so tired so I didn't write after all :c)

I still haven't heard of the pet store D: But tomorrow I'm going there, so I can ask from her that what is the thing with it. *yikes*! Well if it wont catch I'm gonna try to get in somewhere else.

I think that's all from tonight, and I hope that this post will magically remove these thoughts from my brain so I can get good sleep! I have early wake up tomorrow!

-Cakey

Ps: Please guys all who reads this, couldn't you spare minute to write anykind of feedback. Srsl this is pretty discouraging to write for 'ghost audience' :(

Easter fools! Wait... What?

So yeah, this year April's 1st (=April fools) and Palm Sunday was/is the same day. And I'm not sure about other countries, but in Finland in Palm Sunday we do the same thing what people do in America on Halloween. We dress up (just Easter themed, most common is witch who conducts mischief.) and go from door to door and ask for candy. Well of course we have made pretty willow branches, decorated with colorful feathers and paper. And on the door we enunciate a poem and then we receive earnings from that (Also Easter themed, most common is chocolate  eggs. And other chocolate candies.) So Easter is basically our Halloween, we don't do trick or treats. So uh, why did I explain traditional Finnish Easter? Any ways, I think it was for those who didn't know about it. Because I tried to look up for this verb for that act, and I was expecting like a simple word for it but instead it was "conduct a Finnish Easter" so then I started to think are Finns only ones doing this? Of course when I was younger I did this too, every year. Waited for it! And I loved to decorate birches. But I haven't do any of this in ages! I've helped my little sister to do birches, but haven't go on the round. I have funny memory related to this holiday. My little sister was well little I think she was about 5 or 6. And me and my friend decided to go help her on the round. We didn't go on the door, we stayed little farther when she went to knock. And then there was this house and we knocked, few times and waited. And when we were about to turn away. Door opens, there is this ridiculously handsome man.... only wearing towel on his hips. Well of course my little sister ask's if she can conduct etc. And me and my friend were just staring him. I think he gave some money, and tiny chocolate eggs. I think that is my most happiest Easter memory to me :'D

I personally hate April fools day, I always forget that it is. And then I get fooled, because I totally buy the joke that's played on me :/ And I always forget to fool someone, I dunno I play little pranks like all over the year so I don't feel like joking on one day. This year I got actually fooled, but I knew it was April fools so I didn't buy it. Like fully, at least. I think the worst (or best, depends of the view)  fool that's been played on me so I bought it was on school like age of 10 (about) I came to school and my friend made me believe that there was an exam. Because I usually forgot that we have exams and so it wouldn't have been a surprise. But yeah they fooled me good! :'D

I uh... Forgot that what were the other themes I wanted to include into this post, cuz in the middle (part where April started) I kept a long writing pause. Since there were guests and I had to be with them and my girlfriend came over so (Witch I'll be calling her from now on 'Nelly'. She is my Girlfriend and my oldest best friend.).

Quick note about this blog in general, I don't promise to write actively. Coz I might like post many writings a day or just few in whole week. Depends how much I have to tell. My vlogging goal is to have 1 vid/week. I just need to do shit loads of editing to my vids atm. I have like 5-6 vids that I reeeeally need to publish, but edit first. I feel bad....

Till next time; Cakey